The news is grim. Apocalyptic grim? Not yet. But why not be prepared for the worst, especially since conventional wisdom holds that once the Dow dips below 7000, conditions become favorable for marauding gangs of rape-happy hot rod enthusiasts to appear.
1. Hoard gasoline
Forget gold. Forget food. You’re going to need gasoline and lots of it. To quote the movie Wise Blood (by way of Ministry’s “Jesus Built My Hotrod”), “Where you are ain't no good unless you can get away from it.” The trick here is to stay a couple steps in front of the chaos so you may as well start stocking up now. Is it safe? Absolutely not. But you know what else isn’t safe? Rape-happy hot rod enthusiasts.
2. Let your children go feral
Sure, at first it might be disturbing to watch your kids turn into unkempt, ape-like child-beasts capable of communicating only through a series of grunts, whistles, and hand gestures. But today’s loss is tomorrow’s gain. By forcing your kids to live by their wits, their newfound foraging and tunneling skills will help supply you with food and protection. Give them boomerangs—it’s okay to start with blade-free models until they get the hang of it—and, if time allows, try to train them to retrieve shotgun shells from the hood of a moving vehicle
3. Put your disfigurement to work
Okay, this isn’t really that applicable to the current economic crisis, which, so far at least, has been free of radiation accidents of the kind apparently suffered by The Road Warrior’s erudite-but-ruthless warlord Humungus. But if you find yourself disfigured in some kind of pyramid scheme- or housing crash-related accident, find the most intimidating mask you can and make it work for you. Simple is good. Humungus rocks what looks like a steel hockey mask to creepy effect. If you don’t have your post-collapse costume picked out already, now might be the time.
4. Consider a Mohawk
A Mohawk looks tough but it’s also easy to maintain, even in hellish, post-apocalyptic conditions. It’s a bold statement, too. One that says, “I’m a tough tribal warrior but I also take pride in my appearance. By the way, do you have any gasoline? Because my gang of rape-happy hot rod enthusiasts would like some.”
5. Always carry chains
You know what’s better than happening upon an eccentric inventor filled with tips on surviving life in a barren hellscape? Having the ability to make said inventor do your will. Nothing says, “Submit to my authority” quite like chains. Alternately, if you’re some kind of gang leader but you need to keep your best warrior in check until just the right moment, lock that guy up. But you’re going to need chains. It’s rough out there and it’s about to get rougher. Be prepared. With chains.