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After 17 million ads, Fox reveals The Following to be just another stupid TV show

Here’s what’s up in the world of TV for Monday, January 21. All times are Eastern.

The Following (Fox, 9 p.m.): Kevin Bacon was lured to TV by the idea of this dark serial killer thriller from Kevin Williamson, which also stars James Purefoy, Maggie Grace, Natalie Zea, and a bunch of other faces you may or may not recognize. Todd VanDerWerff checks out the first few episodes to offer his thoughts—which will be… not exactly positive—and then he’ll turn the honors over to number one Kevin Bacon super-fan David Sims for week-to-week coverage. We’re wagering you guys will like this one even if Todd doesn’t, because Todd’s the AT&T of people.

Adventure Time (Cartoon Network, 7:30 p.m.): A bunch of the characters—including Ice King and Tree Trunks—have to get their Dungeons & Dragons on when they’re forced to escape a mystery dungeon. Oliver Sava once escaped a mystery dungeon, but it’s something he’d prefer never to talk about again.

How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8 p.m.): Robin gets used to the heady, heady power that comes from wearing an engagement ring, which probably involves being able to command anyone who just happens to be around to do her bidding. Donna Bowman used her engagement ring to get free sodas for life.

Regular Show (Cartoon Network, 8 p.m.): Muscle Man tries to go a whole weekend without contacting Starla, and we’re left to ponder one thing: Who would name their kid Starla? Honestly, that just sounds like the name of a Facts Of Life character. Alasdair Wilkins knows a little something about odd names.

Switched At Birth (ABC Family, 8 p.m.): Guess what, everybody? It’s time for a tolerance retreat! There’s nothing that makes for more exciting television than a tolerance retreat. Carrie Raisler films all of her tolerance retreats, just in case she needs to turn one of them into some riveting television.

Bunheads (ABC Family, 8 p.m.): Look, Amy Sherman-Palladino. We’re not dummies. We know you’re not taking our beloved Sasha from us. Right? We mean… you wouldn’t dream of doing it, right? Sasha’s the only character on TV we feel like really understands us. That includes the inscrutable Erik Adams!

Batman: The Animated Series (1 p.m.): Baby Doll falls in love with Killer Croc—like you do—and then the two of them form an unusually successful crime-committing duo. In terms of weird superhero pairings, though, Oliver Sava says it has nothing on Batman’s brief affair with Gorilla Grodd. Look it up!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Disney XD, 7 p.m.): We tried to cover this show, but you guys didn’t seem all that interested in it. For the handful of you who were, we thought we’d let you know the second season is beginning tonight, with Curt Connors turning into, you guessed it, The Squidzard. Look it up!

The Carrie Diaries (The CW, 8 p.m.): We were surprised by how many of you read our review of this new Sex And The City prequel, so we’re giving it another week to see if you stick around. Carrie Raisler is reviewing it, as was foretold by the show having the name “Carrie” in its title. Read the prophecies!

Continuum/ Lost Girl (Syfy, 8/10 p.m.): Our Continuum review also did pretty well, and, hey, we have a screener, so we’ll see how many of you stick around for week two. Lost Girl, however, is on its last legs, unless five million of you read tonight. Alasdair Wilkins and Kevin McFarland beg for your eyeballs.

Independent Lens (PBS, 10 p.m.): Wayne White, a visual artist best known for his contributions to Pee Wee’s Playhouse and numerous music videos, is profiled in the latest episode of PBS’ independent documentary series. Since it’s only an hour, it’s possible this has been cut down for time, so be aware.

Braveheart (AMC, 8 p.m.): Have we gotten past the point where people tried to insist this was somehow a great movie? We could handle it if you were mostly entertained by it, or even if you’d mildly recommend it. But loving it and constantly yelling out, “FREEEEDOM!” like our college friends? Just stop.

The Bourne Supremacy (Starz, 9 p.m.): The three Bourne films form a fairly tight little action trilogy, and this is the necessary linking material between the casual hijinks of Identity and the wacky explosions of Ultimatum. Anyway, find out just why Matt Damon goes all crazy and starts hitting people this time.

NHL Hockey: Red Wings at Blue Jackets (NBC Sports, 7:30 p.m.): You guys have no idea what sports we had to pretend to understand without hockey around! Now, we’ve got the sport back, and tonight’s game features two teams with colors in their names! Who will win? Our money’s on the red guys!

Girls (Sunday): Did you know Girls was back? You may have noticed because the hackles on the back of your dog’s neck were standing up, and you just felt a general unrest surrounding every single interaction you had with other human beings. How’s Todd VanDerWerff handling it? He’s fine, okay? He’s fine.