Clearly failing to learn the lessons of countless TV movies and Dateline reports, the increasingly reckless Amanda Bynes put a hit out on her vagina yesterday in a public arena, using Twitter to contract Drake for the job. “I want @drake to murder my vagina,” Bynes whispered coldly into the Internet, presumably sliding a manila envelope full of unmarked bills and a black-and-white photo of the target toward her smartphone. It was the culmination of an imaginary relationship that comprises years of Bynes sending alternately flattering and flirtatious tweets the pop star’s way. Eventually, Bynes pretended to grow close enough to Drake that she felt safe in recruiting him for the dangerous assignment of putting an end to her genitals, once and for all.
But now that her plot has been exposed and likely derailed, we’re left to wonder at Bynes’ motivation for wanting to murder her vagina in the first place. Was it for the insurance money? Was her vagina threatening to go to the police and get all loose-lipped about one of her many automobile accidents? Or did Bynes perhaps recently watch Fletch, and this was just an elaborate ruse involving drug trafficking and Utah real estate, a plan that would have ended with her killing Drake so her vagina could assume his identity? Whatever her nefarious scheme, Drake and everyone who values their safety should definitely stay far, far away from Amanda Bynes’ vagina.