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America will not get to see a Charlie Sheen trial

Charlie Sheen’s recent claims that he is in “deep negotiations” with an unnamed network to star in an all-new sitcom for midseason 2012 seem unlikely to pan out for myriad reasons, only some of which have to do with the fact that television is run by people who watch television, and now it seems his other, most immediate chance to command an audience has been shot down. A federal judge has ordered that Sheen’s $100 million lawsuit against Warner Bros. and Two And A Half Men’s Chuck Lorre must be settled by private arbitration, and not in a public trial by jury, where Sheen could be given the chance to act out Al Pacino’s scenes from …And Justice For All, show up in an American flag diaper a la Larry Flynt, don Joe Pesci’s suit from My Cousin Vinny, or whatever other forms of grandstanding he had planned. And like the Mel Gibson incident, it also robs us of any chance of those old E!-style reenactments they did for the O.J. and Michael Jackson trials, and severely hampers all future schoolteachers who may one day hope to stage an Inherit The Wind-like dramatization of what will surely be a landmark case in the fight for the right to act like a dick to your bosses.

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