And lo, Legendary Pictures did cast its 3-D Paradise Lost movie into the abyss

And lo, Legendary Pictures did cast its 3-D Paradise Lost movie into the abyss

As foretold by the oracle God and Variety, Legendary Pictures has scrapped all plans to adapt John Milton’s epic 17th-century poem Paradise Lost into a 3-D movie about angels and demons engaged in “aerial warfare,” hurling the project headlong flaming from the ethereal sky into eternal darkness, which would have looked super cool when rendered with a bunch of CGI volcanoes and stuff. The Alex Proyas-directed film had previously been banished to development Purgatory for the sin of costing a shitload of money, and although Proyas offered repentance and bargained with the devil (the metaphorical one, not the Bradley Cooper one) in an effort to bring the film down below its massively inflated $120 million-plus budget, his cries and concessions toward maybe not having as many explosions sometimes have proved all for naught. “Into what pit thou seest from what height fallen,” someone said, possibly an angel who then shot mystical machine gun bullets from its wings. Its ruin shall forevermore shape the fate of Man—specifically College Fresh-Man, who will now actually have to read the thing instead of faking it by watching Bradley Cooper imprison the world in the twisted stalactites of his smirk.

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