Are you ready for some (preseason) football? 

Are you ready for some (preseason) football? 

Here’s what’s up in the world of TV for Thursday, August 8, 2013. All times are Eastern.

TOP PICK

Monday Night Football: Exhibition: Bengals at Falcons (ESPN, 8 p.m.): No, your eyes don’t deceive you: Yes, it is Thursday, but ESPN is sending its Monday Night Football team to Atlanta to cover the opening of preseason activities for the hometown Falcons and the visiting Bengals. Also, your eyes aren’t deceiving you on an additional level: Yeah, we put the NFL in the Top Pick slot, but with all the other Thursday shows at unexciting points of their seasons, your What’s On Tonight? correspondent felt like mixing things up—with sports!


REGULAR COVERAGE

Orange Is The New Black (Netflix, 4 p.m.): The show celebrates “Fucksgiving,” which is an episode title that a TV show can use when that TV show is distributed by Netflix. Myles McNutt has to wait until October to celebrate Canadian Fucksgiving.  

Wilfred (FX, 10 p.m.): All rise for the case of Ryan v. Ryan’s family, the honorable Wilfred presiding. Rowan Kaiser—or Juror No. 8 as he’ll henceforth be known—will serve as your jury foreman.

Graceland (USA, 10 p.m.): Clearly amped for Breaking Bad Week, this week’s Graceland features the involvement of a drug cartel. Genevieve Valentine fears for any heads, turtles, and heads mounted on turtles that might get in the cartel’s way. 

Childrens Hospital (Adult Swim, 12 a.m.): War is hell, but a plane crash near a military base is… hell-ier? David Sims nervously watches on as Childrens Hospital tangles with some delicate subject matter.

NTSF: SD: SUV:: (Adult Swim, 12:15 a.m.): E.T. already inspired one of the funniest Bob’s Burgers of 2013—can it work the same magic for NTSF? Kevin McFarland wonders if the show had to blank out all uses of “terrorist” like the 20th anniversary edition of E.T. 


TV CLUB CLASSIC

Gilmore Girls (1 p.m.): Surprise! There’s Seth MacFarlane in your Gilmore Girls review! Unsurprise! He’s playing a womanizing meathead. David Sims is going to Shakey’s after, for pizza. You want to come?

Friends (3 p.m.): Marcel temporarily escapes, which gives Joe Reid and Sonia Saraiya temporary hope that they’ll never have to see that meddlesome little capuchin again. Unfortunately, they’ll have to wait one more week for that wonderful liberation.


WHAT ELSE IS ON?

Sharkpocalypse/Alien Sharks (Discovery, 9/10 p.m.): Judging by the titles of tonight’s Shark Week features, Megalodon: The Giant Shark Lives might not be the most implausible feature of Discovery channel’s perennial festival of fins, teeth, and, on occasion, science.

The Winner Is (NBC, 9 p.m.): This singing competition—which has been airing alongside Hollywood Game Night for weeks—wraps up tonight. Maybe we would’ve noticed it earlier if its vague title gave any indication that it’s a singing competition.

Hawaii Five-0 (TNT, 9 p.m.): Book ’em, Danno—off-network, and in the 2010s, as CBS’ remake of the classic Honolulu-set cop show begins its syndication run on the place that knows drama even when drama has Scott Caan’s hairdo.

E! Special: Vanessa & Ashley: Inner Circle (E!, 10 p.m.): While we wait for Ashley Tisdale to finally book the big-time multi-camera sitcom she’s been angling toward since the early days of The Suite Life Of Zack And Cody, here’s a reality-TV oddity where Tisdale asks questions of BFF/High School Musical co-star Vanessa Hudgens—in between inevitable inserts of the former teen stars twerking. It is 2013, after all.

Twister (ABC Family, 8:30 p.m.): Not Sharknado, Part One.

Invasion Roswell (Syfy, 9 p.m.): Not Sharknado, Part Two.


IN CASE YOU MISSED IT

The Bridge: Molly Eichel asked for it, and The Bridge finally delivered. What did it deliver, exactly. Well, you’d have to read her review to find out.