Having recently become inducted as the Steve Jobs of babies, Kanye West innovated baby names this week by christening his newborn daughter “North West.” And, as with all of Kanye’s output, Internet reaction was swift, mixed, and inescapable, as the world rushed to be the first to make jokes as easy as taking candy from a baby, while snickering, “Hey baby, nice name.” The effects rippled throughout the world: Buoyed by the populace’s collective sneering derision being momentarily lifted from his own shoulders, Lebron James was able to sink five three-pointers to win the NBA title. Throngs of people flooded Brazil, chanting, “HEY, DID YOU SEE THAT AWFUL ROB REINER MOVIE NORTH, WHERE THE KID DIVORCES HIMSELF FROM HIS ASSHOLE PARENTS BECAUSE THEY’RE TOO WRAPPED UP IN THEMSELVES? WHAT AN AMUSING PARALLEL” in Portugese.
Elsewhere, Illuminati conspiracy theorists noted the day and time in their ledgers, anxiously awaiting the birth of the couple’s next child, such as “45 Yards,” for the further directions that would lead them to the secret map revealing the Merovingian bloodline. Hoping to throw them off the scent, Kim Kardashian immediately set about clarifying that they would call her “Nori”, the edible seaweed whose scientific name is P. yezoenis—or is it P. YEEZoenis? (No.) Kanye West immediately set about writing songs with references to his “North Star,” “True North,” and perhaps even his “North Pole,” should he decide his lyrics could use a dick pun.
Everyone else immediately set about congratulating the couple on their remarkable restraint in not innovating the name “Knorth.” Or going with “Once Upon A Time In The,” and other words that would make hilarious complete phrases, like “Wild Wild” or “Way Out” or “We Set Out To Prospect For Gold And Make Our Fortune In California With A Harrowing Forty-Day Journey In Which Many People Died, And Perhaps There Were Nights When The Choice Between Starving And Preserving Our Humanity Forced Us To Do Things We Shall Never Speak Of Again, Because So Many Of Us Journeyed Through Hell To Reach That Paradise We Sought Out” West. These were very funny, and filled otherwise uncomfortable silences at dinner parties for days.
Meanwhile, North West crawled away, needing time alone to come to terms with a life that had only just begun, and the onus of being raised by two of the most scrutinized people on earth while also having a hilarious name. North soon found herself in a dusty cornfield, miles away from civilization. In the distance, she heard the buzz of a propeller. It grew louder, more menacing—yes, that crop duster was coming around again. Indeed, it was barreling straight for her. She began to run on her tiny baby legs as it swooped closer to the ground, a roaring thunder growing in her baby ear.
“Hey, NORTH BY NORTHWEST? Get it?!” the pilot screamed.
North West did get it. She got it forever.