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The Bachelorette throws a rose at a guy, is like “Okay, whatever”

Also: Did you know that the smart lasso tool on Preview exists? We just discovered it!

Andi Dorfman, rose (ABC)
Andi Dorfman, rose (ABC)

Here’s what’s up in the world of television for Monday, July 28. All times are Eastern. 

The Bachelorette (ABC, 8 p.m.): THE FINALE, IT IS HERE. Andi will make her decision between Nick Viall and Josh Murray. Then, presumably, whoever she chooses will engage in mouth-to-mouth simulation-of-romantic-act with her, to a lot of audience cheering. There will a rose given to the man who remains to seize the title of bachelorette and throw it like a thorny crown into the dusty clearing that is the desert of the real as he proclaims, “I have rescued you, princess, from the clutches of singlehood! Henceforth the world knows that you could get a man to love you, despite what your mother (and my mother) said!” Then they will kiss again. The rose petals will fall into the dust and get trampled upon, like all dreams. Then all the men she rejected will return and be beheaded, one by one, as stony-faced married women look on. The gods are angry. They must be appeased. Sacrifices must be made. Trust no bitch.

The 2014 Young Hollywood Awards (The CW, 8 p.m.): An event that celebrates “emerging talent” in the entertainment industry. Performers/presenters for tonight’s two-hour event: Trey Songz, Kellan Lutz, Derek Hough, Bella Thorne, Nikki Reed, Kat Graham, Gina Rodriguez. We racked our brains and we actually do not know who any of those people. HOLD UP: We do know who Gina Rodriguez is—the star of the upcoming Jane The Virgin, an oddly titled teen drama that is going to be really, really good. You gotta admit that all these names sound like they belong in a romance novel, though.

Running Wild With Bear Grylls (NBC, 8 p.m.): Uh, this is the series premiere of a show about celebrities testing their survival skills. With a guy named Bear Grylls, which also sounds like a name that belongs in a romance novel, or at least, a comic book aimed at teenage boys. In tonight’s premiere, Zac Efron joings Bear for a trek into the Appalachian Mountains to prove his manhood to America.

Love Child (HBO, 9 p.m.): An HBO original documentary about the death of a baby girl due to neglect because her parents were obsessed with online gaming. The story is in South Korea, where 2 million people, apparently, are addicted to gaming. Sarang, the baby, died of starvation while her parents played a game called Prius for six to 12 hours a day in an internet cafe. And the more you read about this story, it gets even more disturbing! Woo!

Switched At Birth (ABC Family, 8 p.m.) and The Fosters (ABC Family, 9 p.m.)
Under The Dome (CBS, 10 p.m.)
Teen Wolf (MTV, 10 p.m.)

Seed (The CW, 9 p.m.)
Backpackers (The CW, 9:30 p.m.)
Going Deep With David Rees
 (National Geographic, 10 p.m.)
Longmire (A&E, 10 p.m.)

It’s Comics Week! That means that all week there will be an awful lot of comic-book related things, which is a little less heavy on the TV, you know? But we thought about it a bunch and came up with 13 one-off superheroes from television who make just one appearance in a weird costume and messed-up persona before disappearing again. Which reminds us that it is time to shed this mortal coil and fly into the night! (LOUD WHOOSHING SOUND, DON’T LOOK UP)

Hotel Hell 
(Fox, 9 p.m.): Jesus, this show sounds depressing: “An intervention is staged for a struggling 90-year-old hotel in Longview, Wash., with an alcoholic owner and an underpaid staff.”

The Real Housewives Of Orange County (Bravo, 9 p.m.): “Heather and Tamra plan a ladies’ trip to Bali and consider making peace with Shannon. Elsewhere, Lizzie’s birthday sours, and Heather hosts a lusty Valentine’s Day dinner party.”

POV: Fallen City (PBS, 10 p.m.): PBS’ POV series goes to China to interview survivors of the 2008 earthquake, which all told killed 90,000 people. In particular, they journey to Beichuan, a town that was so entirely destroyed that a “new Beichuan” was built next to it. 

Game Of Crowns (Bravo, 10 p.m.): We confess to watching more of this than is entirely reasonable last week; adult women are competing in the what we think is called the Mrs. America pageant, or if it’s not called “Mrs. America,” it should be.

Idris Elba: King Of Speed (BBC, 10 p.m.): Idris learns the basics of trial biking before crossing an item off of his personal bucket list: driving a full-spec rally car on a genuine Finnish rally course. What the hell is a rally car? you might ask. We google-image-searched “rally car finland” and here’s what we found:

(Vas Foto, Wikimedia Commons)

So then we were like hmm what if we could get Idris Elba’s super-hot body into that car somehow? And this is about how it would look (artist’s rendering):

CeeLo Greens The Good Life (TBS, 10:30 p.m.): SEASON FINALE: “The gang lands in Las Vegas for the debut of CeeLo’s big stage show in the Season 1 finale. Also: CeeLo and Gipp visit an animal refuge so CeeLo can ride a tiger; T-Mo and Khujo take a joy ride.” 



The Leftovers: Did you hear that the Guilty Remnant showed up at SDCC? Sonia Saraiya was too busy trying to figure out if this show is any good to pay attention to happenings at Comic-Con. Sounds like the most depressing cosplay ever, though.