Rousing herself from a state of rapturous awe over her phone’s ability to send and receive typed telegrams, with no trip to Western Union required, Barbara Walters has revealed 2013’s Most Fascinating People, her annual list of those who have so enthralled her by having names and faces she recognizes with only minimal prompting from assistants, with the possible exception of Jennifer Lawrence.
Besides the star of The Hunger Games that so captivatingly confused her this year, Walters will also sit in Zen reverie pondering the ineffable majesty of the Duck Dynasty cast, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, ABC anchor Robin Roberts, long-distance swimmer Diana Nyad, Edward Snowden, Pope Francis, and Miley Cyrus—all deemed “fascinating” for their different, yet equivalently spellbinding accomplishments that range from bringing a new, progressive voice to the Catholic Church to rubbing their butt everywhere. Walters will also pay tribute to the newborn Prince George, the two of them presumably allowing their soft necks to loll as they gurgle in the silence at the incomprehensible wonder of it all.
Equally fascinating is the fact that this will be Walters’ final Most Fascinating People special, prompted by her recently announced retirement, as well as the realization that there’s just so much that’s fascinating about this world, sometimes she feels like can’t breathe. So she must now go spend the rest of her days sitting in peaceful contemplation—a Buddha upon the hill of celebrity, aspiring to a state of pure equilibrium with the universe and its many pop and reality-show stars. “We are all one, and we are all fascinating,” Buddha Walters will say, beginning a new age of enlightenment.
Send your Newswire tips to firstname.lastname@example.org