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Barbara Walters is probably going to retire very soon, make some non-famous people cry for a change

After more than half a century of working in broadcast journalism, where she toiled in the soft-focus tear mines of five decades’ worth of celebrities, Barbara Walters is ready to stop. Numerous sources are reporting Walters’ impending retirement in May, and Walters herself is expected to make an official announcement soon that will no doubt kick off weeks’ worth of tributes on The View to her long career, all while the probably soon-to-be-ousted Elisabeth Hasselbeck sits to the side, her mouth constricting to a pinhole that makes her every furious breath whistle like a tea kettle. It’s unclear yet whether Walters, who turns 84 in the fall, will continue appearing on TV in some capacity, whether through specials or by occasionally wandering pie-eyed into local news broadcasts, mockingly slurring, “You! You’re faaaascinating!” She's certainly earned the right to just relax and enjoy her many accomplishments, spending languid hours smirking in the dark of her private screening room as she watches her days-long supercut of all the people she made cry over the years. 

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