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Bow to your new lord and master, the iPhone 4

Hey iPhone 3GS users! Time to take that marvel of modern engineering that you were so proud of 12 months ago and chuck it against the wall, because it’s obsolete! (To anyone using an older model, or, God forbid, something other than an iPhone, how are you even managing to hold your head high enough to read this?) Today was the Apple keynote at the annual WWDC conference, which confirmed the existence the new iPhone that everyone’s known about since Gizmodo stumbled upon a prototype that was left in a bar back in April.  But that wasn’t a working model, so only now do we finally get to see what iPhone 4 has to offer besides a shiny glass front and sharp, stainless-steel edges. And it’s pretty much the iPhone that iPhone users have been waiting for since the first version was launched way back in 2007. Some key features:

• 34 percent thinner than the current model, making it the thinnest smart phone on the market. (It is 3 grams heavier though… don’t hurt yourself lifting that bad boy to your ear.)

• It runs on an A4 chip—the same brain that’s inside the iPad—which means higher definition and multitasking (about time!) with less battery usage. The battery itself, which is 16 percent bigger, should help with that as well.

• FINALLY a decent camera with an LED flash and high-definition video capabilities. The camera has the same 5 megapixel count as the last model, but a higher ISO, which means better low-light shooting. There will also be an iMovie application available for purchase so you can edit your videos on the go.

• Thanks to the eye-popping new 326ppi, 960x640 screen (which Apple is calling the Retina Display), iBooks will be available on the iPhone’s new iOS4 operating system, so you’ll never have any reason to tear your eyes off your phone, ever.

• A second, front-facing camera that allows for video calling so you can be more obnoxious than ever by talking on your videophone in public while riding your hoverboard and wearing your 2015 Nikes. As of right now, video chat will only be available on wi-fi, but supposedly it will move to 3G soon.

Of course, you’ll have to struggle to use all these features on AT&T’s ever-infuriating network. The service provider will have until June 24 to get it together: That’s when the phone goes on sale for $199. Pre-orders start on Apple’s website June 15. Get in line. (Or start coming up with clever barbs to mock all the sheeple who are getting in line.) 

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