Bradley Cooper, bro of shadows, has exited his rumored starring role in The Crow reboot, retreating to his perpetual mist under the curse of “scheduling conflicts.” Of course, “scheduling conflicts” is a phrase used by day-walkers who don’t understand that asking Cooper to play a mere vengeful wraith is akin to trying to capture the vast Stygian seas in a bottle. Only the part of Lucifer himself could truly contain the starless, smirking void, so Cooper will channel all of his dark energies into doing just that for Paradise Lost—preceded by The Silver Linings Playbook with David O. Russell, whose tenuous commitment to all of his projects will remind Cooper of the cruel uncertainty of the universe, as though he needs it. Still, the remake of The Crow must come to pass, forged as it is in spite and bloodless brand recognition, so two more names have begun swirling in the darkness: Mark Wahlberg, whose natural tendency to seem vaguely irritated all the time should lend itself well to being an avenging spirit, as being murdered would definitely be annoying; and Channing Tatum, already the embodiment of yawning emptiness, plus he can do back-flips. Theirs is only a crepuscular gloom compared to Cooper's onyx oblivion, but that goes for most souls.
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