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British children scarred for life by exposure to Paranormal Activity 4

Continuing the brutish Yank assault on the delicate sensibilities of British children, whose previous distressing exposures to Saw 3-D and Final Destination 5 are still spoken of in hushed whispers hot and wet on their nannies' necks, a group of wee Nottingham lords and ladies had their weekend larks dashed by the indecorous intrusion of Paranormal Activity 4 on their scheduled screening of Madagascar 3. The "technical error"—as it was no doubt described in a comically leering Cockney accent by the Cineworld theater's soot-stained film-sweep—resulted in an accidental screening of the horror movie's opening scene, wherein a corpse is propelled directly into the camera without so much as a how-d'ye-do, save for the movie's title and certification card.

Naturally, this similarly compelled the 25 or so families in attendance to yank their wailing charges out of their seats and head for the exits, askew buttons and bows left to be reaffixed later, their toffees now soggy with uncomprehending tears. "It was only about two minutes worth of the film, but it was enough to scar them for life," said ruffled mum Natasha Lewis, whose 8-year-old son Dylan will now never grow up to be the well-adjusted young man her rigorously protective nurturing had been preparing him for. The glum Dylan has since been sent off to apprentice in the art of silversmithing, his days of skipping through poppies and playing "Oranges And Lemons" well and truly over. 

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