After signing the contract that is the first step to any worthwhile erotic relationship, Charlie Hunnam has pulled out of Fifty Shades Of Grey, removing himself in a sudden, abrupt way that left the movie throbbing with desire, only wanting him more. “Holy crap,” Universal Pictures said, its inner goddess reflexively clenching around the aching void that Hunnam had filled just moments ago, now left empty and quivering. Had Universal displeased Hunnam? The sense that it had disappointed him somehow made Universal tingle with dirty shame—shame that burned deliciously hot and low, deep inside the studio. But Hunnam wickedly refused to say anything, clearly getting off on being emotionally withholding in the way of all the world’s most desirable men, so long as they are also exceedingly wealthy, handsome, and a sketchy masturbatory construct loosely based on Twilight.
Coldly, Hunnam mentioned only that he had work to do, saying he needed to focus on his shooting schedule for Sons Of Anarchy. But, Universal thought, biting its lip in the way that he once found so irresistible, as all men do, Hunnam would be done with that show on Oct. 21, and the movie wasn’t to begin shooting until November. Was he really worried he wouldn’t have “time to adequately prepare,” as Universal was now telling its girlfriends in a public statement, a hot flush spreading across its cheeks and genitals—or had he just lost interest? There were whispers to The Hollywood Reporter that Hunnam was actually “overwhelmed with the attention he received” since his casting, and he wished to be left alone to brood sexily, in a way that only convinced Universal more that he just needed one special studio like it to truly understand.
But whatever the incredibly hot reason, Universal knew it needed to find another male lead to slip inside its waiting role—and oh, it needed it now—the film groaning as it began to push its sex, again and again, into the drawn-out casting process, and started to move around in another series of slow, agonizing circles. Holy cow, Universal thought, as it begged for release. Oh!