In the wake of Chuck Lorre laying out his plans to bring back Two And A Half Men adamantly without Charlie Sheen, one had to wonder: How would this affect Charlie Sheen’s own plans to bring back Two And A Half Men with Charlie Sheen? As it turns out, Sheen himself wondered that, so he sent an open letter of inquiry to TMZ as part of those ongoing negotiations to return to the show. Using language typical of these needlessly complex showbiz contracts, Sheen asks Lorre—referred to herein as the “A-hole pussy loser… low rent, nut-less sociopath”— to reconsider his decision, lest he be forced to “beat your chicken shit soul in a court room into a state of gratitude.”
As he outlines in the preamble, much of Sheen’s argument stems from his belief that Lorre “created a show BASED ON MY AWESOME LIFE” (which seems like a fair statement), yet Lorre has failed to recognize the terms of the clause, “NO CHARLIE SHEEN. NO SHOW,” despite its clearly being rendered in all caps. Anyway, Sheen goes on from there, elucidating certain penalties that could lead to Lorre being kicked out of “the pathetic AA loser lounge,” teaching his children “how to be a stupid bitch,” and ultimately “reap[ing] the whirlwind, cockroach”—but really, this kind of dull, backroom back-and-forth is best sorted out by lawyers and agents. Just know that those “talks” of Sheen’s return are obviously still in progress.