Love—the deep affection and intimacy shared between two people who have formed a long-lasting bond based on mutual care and happiness—died last night, when it was revealed that Will Arnett and Amy Poehler are separating after nine years of marriage. Love is assumed to have been several millennia old, though the scholars who would normally debate whether love as we define it truly existed before the Middle Ages were not interested in talking about that right now, because Will Arnett and Amy Poehler broke up. "Didn't you see them on that one episode of Parks And Recreation? And they have two little sons. Ugh," those scholars said, before tucking into a gallon of ice cream they may as well eat all of now and get super fat, because if those two can't make it work, what hope do the rest of us have?
According to a statement given to Us Weekly by their rep, the couple's split is "very amicable," a phrasing that reflects the hollow definition of joy and human connection that is the new standard we must accept. "Should have consummated the marriage. It was just a series of escalating dares. They made a huge mistake. Taste my sad. Come on," Arrested Development fans desperately mumbled to themselves to stave off the encircling darkness of a world in which we are alone, all alone.
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