Evil stoner entrepreneurs Ben & Jerry’s announced a couple of weeks ago that they planned to scoop up Alec Baldwin’s Schweddy Balls, and—after everyone got done fondling their “balls” puns, rolling them around in their mouth just to see how they feel—almost everyone agreed that, yum, those Schweddy Balls sounded pretty tasty. Fudge-covered rum and malt balls, rum-laced vanilla ice cream, allusions to one of the few agreed-upon classic Saturday Night Live skits of the past decade, gratitude that they didn’t awkwardly attempt to create a More Cowbell flavor with miniature chocolate cowbells and “Blueberry Oyster Cult sauce” or something—what’s not to like? Uh, only the slow and incipient corruption of American morality, that’s what! That’s what, indeed.
In a protest campaign recently launched by the conservative, American Family Association offshoot One Million Moms—the same group that previously protested Ben & Jerry’s limited-edition Hubby Hubby flavor, which briefly turned everyone gay—those Schweddy Balls are highly offensive, and need to be pulled right away. “The vulgar new flavor has turned something as innocent as ice cream into something repulsive,” the group said of the dessert concoction that is made by massaging a cow’s teat and then churning the resulting fluid emissions into a solid froth. “Not exactly what you want a child asking for at the supermarket," these Moms also wrote, then paused to wonder aloud why it was taking so long for their kid to get back from the supermarket already. Anyway, for its part, Ben & Jerry’s says it’s not changing a bit, its executives giggling from atop their boardroom-sized hook-rug through a cloud of kush smoke that they will “get through this year and see what our fans want next year,” while somehow managing to not let it slip that they’re planning a One Million Moms I’d Like To Fudge flavor. Which we just made up, but would definitely buy.
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