Combining the average discourses of the Internet with the Republican Party in a delicious rationality sandwich, many conservatives have come forward to decry a new campaign ad in which Girls creator and scapegoat of a generation Lena Dunham suggestively describes her "first time" voting for Barack Obama, implicitly likening it to losing her virginity—and not just in the sense that she was probably listening to Beach House while she did it.
Fox News' Monica Crowley has called the ad "vile, stomach-churning, super-gross." Redstate.com's Erick Erickson pointed to it as "further proof we live in a fallen world destined for hell fire." Rush Limbaugh said, in paraphrase, "Argle bargle! *smack* *smack* *heavy sigh*, etc." before declaring that the ad characterized women as "monolithic sex machines" (monolithic sex machines who stay on the scene, getting on up on that free birth control, like a monolithic sex machine).
But Minnesota Republican Party deputy chairperson Kelly Fenton wondered aloud about the ad's deeper implications: Does this, in fact, confirm that Lena Dunham and Obama are in league with the devil? In a since-deleted tweet, Fenton wrote, "#MyFirstTime ad by #Obama is similar to an ad #Putin did. They must share the same advisor: #Satan." Probably! And in questionable evidence of the quality his advice, Satan—like Random House, publishers of Dunham's upcoming Necronomicon Emoticon: Book Of The Dead And Stuff—is under the impression that a majority of people are really, really interested in Lena Dunham's opinions on things, as Satan apparently doesn't read the comments on Lena Dunham-related stories. (Though in Satan's defense, Hell has a shitty dial-up Internet connection.)
Of course, some have also pointed out that Dunham's "first time" joke was already made, long ago and with far less subtlety, by Ronald Reagan, who said of voting Republican for his first time, "I can tell you it only hurts for a minute and then it feels just great." However, Reagan was metaphorically comparing taking a woman's virginity to voting Republican, where the violation of a woman's vagina is a pure and godly thing.
Submit your Newswire tips here