Here’s what’s up in the world of TV for Wednesday, December 5. All times are Eastern.
Arrow (The CW, 8 p.m.): We fell behind on this one early on—we do not have the fortitude of Alasdair Wilkins—but enough people have told us that it’s gotten better that we’re tempted to catch up. So tell us, comments section denizens: Are our friends accurate? Or are they blinded by the wonder that is Stephen Amell’s abs? Because, we’ll be honest here, those are abs worth being blinded by. If we ever ran into Stephen Amell on the street, we might be tempted to poke ‘em to see if they were real. And then we’d laugh, Pillsbury Dough Boy-style, instead of him laughing.
The Middle (ABC, 8 p.m.): The Heck family always has a good time on holidays. We’re looking forward to Frankie’s new part-time job, Axl turning an attic full of stolen furniture into a bachelor pad, and Brick starring in the school play like few things in our lives. Will Harris wonders why our lives are so empty.
Survivor (CBS, 8 p.m.): When family members visit the castaways, they’re tossed into the middle of a challenge. Carrie Raisler will watch and remember her long-gone childhood dream of taking her family on Nickelodeon’s Family Double Dare and winning the right to go through the big-ass obstacle course.
The Hour (BBC America, 9 p.m.): What?! [Character name redacted] is [relationship status redacted]?! And [other character name redacted] just has to [redacted]?! Todd VanDerWerff found himself openly weeping at the prospect of all of this. For his neighbors’ sake, there’d better not be any weeping tonight.
Supernatural (The CW, 9 p.m.): It looks like a vampire’s responsible for some deaths, so Dean looks to defend Benny. Phil Dyess-Nugent once defended a vampire in a court of law, but that was in his prior life as a supernatural defense lawyer, which he doesn’t like to talk about, so we don’t press him on it.
Suburgatory (ABC, 9:30 p.m.): This show’s also great at its holiday episodes, so we’re excited to see what happens when Tessa spends Christmas in New York with her mother. Plus, the episode is called “Krampus,” and Brandon Nowalk is a true believer in the great Christmas demon in all of our hearts.
American Horror Story (FX, 10 p.m.): Murder Santa. Murder Santa. Murder Santa. Murder Santa. Murder Santa. Murder Santa. Murder Santa. Murder Santa. Murder Santa. Murder Santa. Murder Santa. Murder Santa. Murder Santa. Murder Santa. TODD VANDERWERFF’S HOUR IS FINALLY AT HAND!
Nashville (ABC, 10 p.m.): When Juliette and Rayna wrote a song together last week, the show sparked back to life. We can only hope there will be more of that sweet, sweet songwriting action. And by “songwriting,” Todd VanDerWerff thinks you what we mean. Wink wink. Nudge nudge.
Top Chef (Bravo, 10 p.m.): In an episode entitled “Pike Place Pickle,” we’re going to be very upset if this episode doesn’t involve all of the chefs diving into a pickle barrel at some point, in a vicious scrum for a magic pickle. Emily Withrow has always been confused about where we got the idea pickles are magical.
TV CLUB CLASSIC
The Sopranos (1 p.m.): A.J.’s depression comes to a head and collides with Tony’s growing detachment from everything around him in one of the best episodes the show did. Todd VanDerWerff knows that’s the case because he put it on his TV Club 10 of the show. No, Todd! That’s most representative. God.
WHAT ELSE IS ON
Baggage Battles (Travel Channel, 8 p.m.): We really should like this, “It’s like Storage Wars, but with unclaimed luggage” series more than we do, but what are you gonna do? We hope that one of the suitcases tonight contains the remains of the long-missing Amber Room or something like that.
Final Cut (Investigation Discovery, 9 p.m.): Finally, the channel devoted entirely to shows about murder has a show about show business murders, because that’s something the world didn’t already have enough of. And look! They’ve come up with the appropriately cheeky name for the show, too!
600 Pound Mom: Race Against Time (TLC, 9 p.m.): Look, this has nothing to do with “learning” or “the” or “channel,” but we’ll give TLC this: The titles of their specials are getting much more direct. Who doesn’t immediately know what this is about just from that title? (Hint: It’s about a 600 pound mom.)
The Grammy Nominations Concert Live! (CBS, 10 p.m.): Find out how many nominations Carly Rae Jepsen, fun., Gotye, and Justin Bieber will split amongst themselves, then stew privately about how the artists who really deserved it were stiffed. We hear you, Taylor Swift fans, but she can’t win everything.
John Carter (Starz, 6:45 p.m.): Does this movie have a few—okay, a lot of—problems? Yes. Does it frequently seem vaguely stitched together from about six other movies all conveniently starring Taylor Kitsch? Yes. But dammit, comments section! We liked this movie! We had a fine time with it! So what?
This Is My Affair (TCM, 9:45 p.m.): We try to limit ourselves to movies we’ve actually seen in this section, but, man, this one sounds pretty awesome. It features, among other things, a dude going undercover in a gang and the assassination of President William McKinley. That’s hardcore!
NBA Basketball: Nuggets at Hawks (ESPN, 8 p.m.): If you watch this game very, very closely and pay careful attention to the stands, you might see one of that rarest and most unusual of creatures: an Atlanta Hawks fan who actually attends a game in person. Snap a photo and submit it to us if you do!
IN CASE YOU MISSED IT
New Girl (Tuesday): Erik Adams wasn’t so taken with this tale of Winston and Jess’ attempts to cover up the aftermath of them spilling out the contents of a bathtub onto their roof (don’t ask), but we were totally into it for the goo-goo eyes Schmidt made at CeCe. What is this unusual feeling? Is it this… love… the hu-mans speak of?!