After more than a year of sending probes throughout the galaxies yet finding no new Darth Vader-related crime stories to report after this memorable bank robbery, Orlando, Florida—a system rumored to be devoid of any human forms—has at last yielded this tale of a man in a Darth Vader costume who attacked a Highway Patrol trooper, which will once again allow us to make easy Star Wars jokes until it’s time for the weekend. According to the report, the officer found the intoxicated Darth Vader—in reality, 28-year-old Michael Cole, though he’s more machine now than man—wandering in the middle of a road around 2:30 a.m. and immediately demanded that he move to the sidewalk, arguing that his sad devotion to that ancient Jedi religion would not give him clairvoyance to not get hit by a goddamn car. Cole, however, found his lack of faith disturbing, by which we mean he told the trooper to fuck off.
After Cole lay down in the roadway, the trooper approached and repeated his request, only to have Cole attempt to punch and kick him. The trooper, however, would not fight him, and so that trooper met his destiny—first failing in his attempt to taser Cole through his “thick jacket” (which only the most concentrated electricity can penetrate), then removing Cole’s mask so Cole could look on him with his own eyes, which the trooper then coated in pepper spray. After his mask was removed, Cole was taken to a local hospital to address his complaints of “shortness of breath,” which we didn’t make up, actually. He then asked the arresting officer to tell the officer’s sister that he was right about him. Ha ha, no, that is what happens in the movie! [via io9]
Send your Newswire tips to firstname.lastname@example.org