Sarah Silverman answers some love and sex questions from A.V. Club readers
Compiled by Josh Modell
Comedian/actress Sarah Silverman doesn't play well with others; she's far funnier when left to her own devices than when she's contributing to someone else's vision. So small parts in big movies (School Of Rock, There's Something About Mary, School For Scoundrels) don't suit her weird, sometimes scatological, usually offensive sensibilities. Jesus Is Magic, a one-woman film that combined her stand-up with musical skits, does, and she's parlayed that into Comedy Central's The Sarah Silverman Program, a weekly half-hour that turns the idea of a sitcom into a ridiculously funny farce. (She meets "black God," she poops in her pants, she befriends the homeless, etc.) In honor of Valentine's Day, Silverman agreed to answer questions about love and/or sex submitted by readers to the avclub.com blog.
My girlfriend confessed recently to wanting to spread peanut butter in my armpit and lick it out. Being "normal," I'm totally grossed out at the prospect, but I'm really into this girl. But this thing of hers sorta really freaks me out. I should probably be writing to Dan Savage, but you're my girlfriend's fave. If you were me, what would you do?
Sarah Silverman: I would tell her that you just read Glamour magazine, and they said that balls are the new armpit. Then take it from there.
Sarah, you've mentioned before how you're hirsute. So am I. I let my insecurity about it keep me from getting any action. How do you cope and be the hot, loved chick that you are?
SS: Good question. Well, if I'm going to wear a dress, I wax my forearms. That way I don't look like a transvestite or a straight man in a dress. Other than that, I use my great personality and also shave everywhere.
Like most women, my girlfriend is very self-conscious about her body. When we "do it," she insists on turning the lights out. I love her body and want to actually see it, but no amount of reassurance or pleading will change her mind. How do I convince her to leave the lights on?
SS: Just wondering if maybe it's occurred to you that it's you she doesn't want to see naked? I say keep the lights off. If you need to see her body, get night-vision goggles. Also, that way less of your face will show. It's a win-win!
My girlfriend and I are about to have a baby, which is cool. But we have a pretty small apartment, and the baby will be sleeping in our room. Assuming my girlfriend wants to have sex with me again someday, how long can we get away with having sex in the same room as our child?
SS: Great question. Everyone's had to have sex with a sleeping roommate in the room. It's okay through the formative years, and even beyond. What's the worst that can happen? Your baby grows up to be a gorgeous stripper or a hooker with a heart of gold? I'd go up to 13 years. Hopefully by then, your doctor career will take off and you'll get a second room.
Sarah, what will sex look, sound, and smell like 500 years from now? Will we be using virtual-reality helmets? Will there be any taboos left? Will animatronic life-size Sarah Silverman dolls be readily available?
SS: Great question, and GREAT show, HermansHead! In 500 years, a lot of things will be different, but even though there'll be jet packs and super-futuristic chips in our heads, a lot of the future will look almost like the past, like Mad Max or Blade Runner. Sex will be something that even the most conservative of people do three times a day, like meals. The healthiest of people will even have really quick sex five or six times a day. It's gonna be weird. Be glad you'll be dead.
My track record with women resembles a collection of unused Seinfeld plots: the girl who abandoned me for the drummer in a flavor-of-the- minute indie band; the girl who ran away and became an official Missing Person to avoid me, etc. How long should I stick it out before giving it up to become a priest?
SS: Become a priest? Is that the option? I say that if that's your only other option, then, yeah, be a priest. Or just be openly gay and enjoy your life.
My mom says Jesus hates clowns, but I find them sexy. What do you think?
SS: Your mom is right. Clowns are murderers in whiteface.
I asked a woman who seemed interested in me to a movie and the response I got was, "I get the feeling you may be asking this as more than a friend, so I'm going to have to decline." My question for you is, why? I realize it may sound like I'm being vague in the details, but that is honestly everything that happened.
SS: What she's saying is she doesn't want to waste time at the movies with you unless there's going to be guaranteed sex. Will there be sex?
I attended the same high school as you, so this is a question you should be uniquely qualified to answer. (By the way, Mr. Anthony still talks about you.) When you meet a man who is a total hottie but also a consummate pussy, how best to seduce him? Alcohol is a good standby, but tends to make the sex bad. Assuming he is willing but a coward, what would you do?
SS: Tell Mr. Anthony hello from his old friend, Sarah. Okay, Anna. Here's my question: Why are you interested in a guy who's a pussy? What's wrong with you? What is up with women who want guys that are pussies? How about a real MAN? How about that? Good-looking pretty boys are for boys. I'm sorry, Anna. But you needed to hear that.
If you are really attracted to a guy but are avoiding getting involved for one of the many reasons we can't always have who/what we want, what is a sure-fire move he could make that would be irresistible?
SS: No woman wants some plotting guy who's trying to get pussy. So, trick her into thinking you're just living your life and having fun and being cool. But do it in front of her. If that doesn't work, then cry in a ball like you usually do.
Ignoring the world of porn (which makes it seem as natural as cup of coffee in the morning), do a lot of women actually go for anal sex?
SS: I didn't think so, but then a girlfriend of mine was like, "You've never had anal sex??@?@?@?!?!?" and I thought maybe women do do that. But not this one. Doody comes out of there. Gross.
Hall & Oates hit the charts with "I Can't Go For That (No Can Do)." Eleven years later, Meatloaf coughed up "I Will Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)." What is "That"? Have you done "that"? Is it something I should try?
SS: It's funny you should ask that. I recently asked my boyfriend what "that" was in "I will do anything for love (but I won't do that)" and he said anal sex.
Does size matter?
SS: Not at ALL. Only for sex. And sexual relationships.