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Deflate your waistline with Tom Brady’s meal kit

Photo: Ronald Martinez/Getty Images
Photo: Ronald Martinez/Getty Images

What does a five-time Super Bowl champion eat? Dom Perignon protein shakes? Caviar-studded energy bars? Chocolate bonbons from the outstretched fingers of a super model wife? New England Patriots quarterback and Atlanta’s favorite expletive Tom Brady wants to give you a taste.

Brady has partnered with plant-based meal kit producers Purple Carrot to develop TB12 Performance Meals, which promise to “achieve and sustain peak performance”—such as the ability to destroy the spirit of Falcons fans with one minute left in the Super Bowl.

Photo: Purple Carrot

The meals—which cost $78 a week for six servings—are gluten-free and vegetarian, and contain higher protein and caloric levels to mimic what athletes require. The boxed meals arrive by mail with pre-portioned ingredients and instructions on how to cook the dishes.

A sample menu on the site include dishes such as white lentil risotto with winter roasted vegetables, Meyer lemon and cashew gremolata, or a crispy turnip cake with quinoa tabbouleh and za’atar yogurt. How about a ramen bowl in coconut broth with charred broccolini and gingered amaranth greens?

It actually sounds pretty delicious, except the name Tom Brady subconsciously balls our hands into fists of jealousy, filling us with remorse that we didn’t do better with our sorry lives. Maybe we’ll use those balled fists to pound out the black bean burger patties.

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