In the wake of accidentally revealing that next season will be all about the liberation of women who need no longer be tethered to a well, thus freeing them to promenade with untold numbers of gentleman suitors, Downton Abbey is taking extra precaution to ensure no more rattling omens of the future like stray water bottles pop up. The Telegraph says the show has now placed a set-wide ban on everything modern—up to and including the newfangled britches preferred by contemporary bohemians, rather than the more modest triple layers of starched linen, baling twine, and sheepskin parchments swearing chastity until marriage. Like civilization used to wear, before slipping into our current godlessness.
“’Modern watches and jewelry are out and so even is modern underwear as the danger is apparently too great it could be seen if we bend over,’ one member of the cast whispers,” The Telegraph reports. Presumably their whispering was overheard by another cast member who stood listening just outside the doorway, silently shocked at this betrayal of confidence. They then set down to compose an anonymous note describing what they’d just witnessed, using a thick sheaf torn from their own historically accurate underpants.
While the Downton Abbey cast has already responded to the bottle incident, posting a photo mocking the gaffe that encouraged donations to WaterAid and revealed far too much clavicle, series creator Julian Fellowes suggests that—beyond the ban—there will still be reprisals to come for whoever left it out. “It was a silly mistake, of course, and I suppose someone will be blown up for it,” Fellowes said, of his plans to explode the responsible crewmember using only period-appropriate dynamite.
Send your Newswire tips to firstname.lastname@example.org