After being suspended from the A&E show Duck Dynasty for making homophobic and racist remarks in an interview with GQ, Phil Robertson has been reinstated, having lost no work and literally zeroes of dollars. ("Go to your room!" shouted A&E. "But leave the door open and pretty much go anywhere else you want.") No need to re-hash what Robertson had to say about anuses and cotton, my man, but conservatives can rest easy now that the 28th amendment—the one that says you can't be suspended from your job for publicly saying kinda crazy shit—has been held up in the court of public opinion. In an effort to appease guys who prefer anuses and blacks who prefer the post-Civil War South, A&E has promised to broadcast public service announcements "promoting unity, tolerance, and acceptance." The best thing to come out of all this? All the pictures of the Duck Dynasty dudes in their pre-redneck years.
Submit your Newswire tips here.