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Elijah Wood to star in "Speed at a piano," because that's where we're at now

The spate of "Speed on a…" films shows no signs of stopping, because if it did, the action movie industry would explode. And so, because more obvious choices like "Speed on a boat" and "Speed on a train" have already been used, filmmakers have to get slightly more creative with their Speed- (and possibly speed-)inspired versions of the now-familiar "unstoppable destructive thing" genre. Hence the forthcoming indie thriller Grand Piano, about which The Hollywood Reporter encourages you to play the easily bored studio exec and "think Speed at a piano."

Specifically, think how that awkward pitch might apply to the story of a formerly great pianist played by Elijah Wood, whose first concert after a five-year hiatus becomes a quest to save his and his wife's lives after he discovers that someone has marked his sheet music with a "threatening note." We're not sure what exactly "threatening note" refers to, or how Wood's character would recognize it as such: Is it an E♭, where the "♭" is followed by "-omb your wife"? Is it the mythical "Brown Note"? Whatever the tip-off, Wood then knows he has to play "his best concert ever" if he wants to survive, and somehow this becomes "Speed at a piano." We suppose the comparison becomes slightly less ridiculous once you realize that Speed was essentially "Amadeus on a bus."

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