Helping to alleviate those long holiday hours that would otherwise be filled with revelations of dark family secrets, studios continue their search for the next adequate Christmas comedy. And so, like the shrugging, aloof ghost of Christmas future, Variety brings word of Aloha Santa, a comedy that also has a plot description, should you for some reason not already be sold. The live-action film—currently being rewritten by Just Friends’ Adam “Tex” Davis, very slowly, as he plugs the words into a sheet of tin with his trusty six-shooter—“centers on a newly appointed Santa Claus crash-landing his sleigh on Hawaii, forcing him to enlist the locals to help get his powers back and save Christmas.” And as you can surmise, this likely proves humorously unconventional, not only because of its populace’s storied laidback attitude, but because the tropical climate creates an atmosphere different from the “winter wonderland” traditionally associated with Christmas. (Hawaii is an island.)
Also maybe Santa will also receive his cookies without milk and be like, “What the fuck is this shit? No milk?” And then someone will explain to Santa that milk is really, really expensive in Hawaii, like close to $9, and no one’s going to waste that on a guy who may or may not even exist. It’s also possible that Santa will be regarded as an insult to the gods and cast into a volcano, like that one episode of The Brady Bunch we sort-of remember. But if there is not a scene where Santa Claus rides a surfboard, so help you, you will be forgiven for burning your local theater to the accursed ground and roasting chestnuts on its embers.