The endless days that you've spent cradling your smartphone, staring at a game of Angry Birds and whispering, "Please…. Tell me your story" to its stony menagerie of inscrutable animal projectiles will soon be over. As previously reported, a 3-D animated feature film is in the works based on the popular distraction that has safely minimized most human contact, and now Despicable Me producer John Cohen has signed on to produce the project for a summer 2016 release, when everyone will still definitely be really into Angry Birds. Cohen's other past accomplishments, as noted in the press release, include the time he "had the idea to reimagine Alvin And The Chipmunks"—a spark of divine inspiration that, in his darkest hours, John Cohen wonders if he'll ever experience again. Perhaps if he can similarly tell the tale of these cartoon birds and their relentless war against those mustachioed pigs smug in their shoddily constructed glass-and-stick fortresses, and get to the root of why these birds are so irremediably angry, Cohen can sleep easy, knowing that his legacy is secure. "Please…. Tell me your story," he whispers to them, and slowly but surely, they begin to speak.
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