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Dancing With The Stars announces newest partners in its desperate do-si-do

It’s a new season of Dancing With The Stars, and thus a new cast of minor celebrities forced to compete in a marathon dance contest as they slowly unravel under the stress into nervous breakdowns, fatal heart attacks, and assisted suicides. Or at least, that’s what happens in the “They Shoot Horses, Don’t They? Theme Night” of our dreams. Anyway, here’s this year’s lineup that will prompt easy jokes about the loose definition of “stars”: Ralph Macchio, Kirstie Alley, Sugar Ray Leonard, Wendy Williams, “Don’t Call Me Lil’” Romeo, Kendra Wilkinson, Chris Jericho, Loveline co-host Michael “Psycho Mike” Catherwood, model Petra Nemcová, Disney-bred actress Chelsea Kane, and Steelers wide receiver Hines Ward. Macchio will probably work a “crane kick” into his routine one night, Alley will make some self-deprecating fat jokes, Kendra will talk about her baby and do that laugh, and so tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, creeps in this petty pace from day to day.

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