Full House: The Movie

Cut it off!

Now that John Stamos doesn't have ER, he spends most of his days wandering around Disney World, listening to the Beach Boys (featuring John Stamos) live version of "Kokomo" on repeat on his ipod, and hoping someone will ask to take a picture with him.  Unfortunately, only the Olsen twins ever do. Out of pity.

In short, John Stamos is bored. [How bored is he?!] He's so bored that he's fantasy casting a Full House movie that (fingers crossed) will never, ever get made. 

From The NY Daily News:

Former sitcom star John Stamos confesses that he’s conceptualizing a “Full House” feature film. “I’m working on a movie idea, but it wouldn’t be us playing us,” he told us. “I’m not 100% sure, but it would probably take place in the first few years” of the 1987-95 series.

The former “ER” doc votes for James Franco to reprise Stamos’ role as Jesse Katsopolis. “I see Steve Carell as [Bob Saget's character] Danny Tanner and Tracy Morgan as [Dave Coulier's character] Joey Gladstone because he’s funny,” he added.

So Stamos' concept for a Full House movie is a Full House movie but with a new cast. All those hours spent "conceptualizing," aka "staring at his vision board with the old promo still of Uncle Jesse at the center with the word 'MOVIE' scrawled over it," have really paid off.  Unfortunately for Stamos, no matter the cast, feature film adaptations of sitcoms are usually terrible. In the translation to film, sitcoms either become campy, fish-family-out-of-water stories (The Brady Bunch, The Beverly Hillbillies), add a Hammer rap (The Addams Family Movies), or expand to bloated, montage-heavy versions of their sitcom selves (Sex & The City). 

But, whatever, let's write it anyway!

(INT: The Tanner house in San Francisco. DANNY, his face a frozen mask of shock, his hair a puffy wig of the finest horsehair, hangs up the phone. He has just learned that his wife has been killed by a drunk driver. He is now facing the prospect of raising his three young daughters alone. He would cry, he wants to cry, but if he does he'll wake the girls and be forced to tell them their mother is never coming back. Tears well in his eyes. Just then, the doorbell rings. DANNY walks to the front door and opens it.  There, on the porch, stand two of his best friends: JESSE KATSOPOLIS, an Elvis-obsessed cool guy in a mullet wig, and JOEY GLADSTONE, a zany yuk-em-up of the highest order, in Cavariccis and a whimsical--is there any other kind?--Hawaiian shirt.)

JESSE (James Franco): Hey man, we heard you could use some help.

JOEY (Tracy Morgan): [shouting] That's right,  Liz Lemon. We're gonna raise your kids with you! [LAUGHTER]

DANNY (Steve Carell): What? But how did you hear about my wife dying? I just got off the phone with the police. I haven't even called a funeral home, or told the girls yet.

JOEY: Whatever! Let's not tell them. Let's never speak of your dead wife again. Cut. It. Off! [LAUGHTER]

JESSE: I think you mean "out," Joseph. [JOEY goes to hit JESSE upside the head] Hey, hey, hey Watch the hair! [LAUGHTER]

DANNY: [laughing] Okay, guys. You've convinced me. Come on in so I can start obsessively vaccuuming and thus establish my one character trait: extreme cleanliness.

(JESSE and JOEY follow DANNY into the living room, with their suitcases in tow. JOEY's suitcase accidentally pops open, and three dozen rubber chickens spill out onto the floor.)

JOEY: My chickens! [in a Popeye voice] Ag-ag-ag-woah! [LAUGHTER]

JESSE: [barely looking up from the sofa, onto which he's unpacking multiple Elvis jumpsuits] Tell me you didn't just bring a suitcase full of rubber chickens.

JOEY: Don't be ridiculous, Jess. I didn't bring just a suitcase of rubber chickens...I brought two. [LAUGHTER]

(Doorbell rings. DANNY runs in from the kitchen wearing a mask over his nose & mouth, an apron, and two maribou-trimmed yellow rubber kitchen gloves)

DANNY: I'll get it!

(DANNY opens the doors to find the withered husks of The Beach Boys on the porch)

DANNY: The Beach Boys! What are you doing here? If only my tragically killed wife were here to see this.

JOEY: What'd we tell you about that, Liz Lemon? Cut. It. Out. [LAUGHTER]

BEACH BOY 2: Hey, we're heading to a concert at Disney Land and we got lost. Do any of you know the way to Disney Land...and the words to "Kokomo"?

JESSE: Do we? I thought you'd never ask!

[Everyone starts to sing "Kokomo." Hearing the dulcit sounds of early-90s Beach Boys, 12-year-old DJ TANNER wakes up and walks downstairs to investigate.)

DJ (Miley Cyrus): Oh my God! The Beach Boys! Dad, it's the Beach Boys! In my house! What are they doing here?

DANNY: They're gonna take us all to perform with them on stage at Disney Land for some reason. But, DJ, hon, there's something I think I should tell you. [Concerned life-lesson music begins to play, as DANNY sits DJ down on the sofa, and adopts "parenting" pose] DJ, tonight your mom was in an accident. A bad accident. And, I don't really know any other way of saying this, but she's never coming back. She's dead, Deej. I'm so sorry. 

DJ: She's dead?

JESSE: [walks over and puts his arm around DJ] We're gonna help you get through this, Deej. Haaaave mercy! [LAUGHTER]

JOEY: [walks over and also puts his arm around DJ] I have so many rubber chickens! [LAUGHTER]

MIKE LOVE: [walks over and puts his arm around DJ, and sings]  Aruba, Bahama forget about your mama. Who wants to go to Disney Land?   

DJ: I do!

DANNY: I think this whole Full House does! [LAUGHTER]

THE END