Like so many American cities, Los Angeles has seen its streets swarmed by headstrong young people making their presence known and huddling together in makeshift camps, all united behind a single message. That message: “Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.” As Deadline reports, more than 700 people are currently lined up outside of L.A.’s Nokia Theater for the première of Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1, the film in which the vampire and the girl finally marry and get down to making demon babies, and our power grids surge with the release of pent-up sexual energy flowing from every trembling vagina in the nation. Of course, these 700 people (and counting!) aren’t actually going to the première: They’re in line waiting to be assigned a “camping spot” in another line, which will then be arrayed behind barricades in front of the red carpet entrance for the film when it finally debuts on Monday. But all that waiting will be worth it once they’ve secured a place close enough that Robert Pattinson will hear them shout, “I love you” and, sensing that they really mean it, whisk each and every one of them away for some chaste nuzzling in the nearest possible forest—finally righting the unfair distribution of sensitive vampire love currently enjoyed only by the one percent.
Send your Newswire tips to firstname.lastname@example.org