Eyes

During the Golden Age of arcade games, kids could walk into virtually any business, confident that there'd be at least one game waiting to take their quarters. Parents who were aware of this fact often took their kids shopping with them, achieving Geico-like savings on babysitters, keeping their kids occupied for a few quarters an hour, and earning the merit badge of parental coolness from their Pac-Man Fever-stricken children.

But this tactic had its risks. Occasionally, instead of Donkey Kong or Space Invaders, the drug store or mini-mart had weird, off-brand games that didn't even have the bootleg fakery of Crazy Kong or Cosmic Monsters going for them. These were the games of last resort: better than sitting in the car, slightly better than reading a book, but ultimately really lame. Eyes may not be at the head of that class, but it's definitely in the top 10.

Gameplay: You control a large, drugged-looking eyeball, identified by the universal stoner-eye symbol, the slouchy beanie. Your goal is to collect all the targets in a maze by shooting them with your super-groovy-hypno-eye beams, while avoiding or zapping several non-beanie wearing eyeballs, who will try to shoot you with their ultra-bummer-mellow-harshing death rays. When you collect all the targets, you'll move on to the next of eight increasingly difficult levels.

Could be mistaken for: The tank level in Tron, Brother Maynard's unfortunate encounter with the Black Beast of Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!

Kids today might not like it because: While playing the game, they can't shake the eerie feeling that they're being watched.

Kids today might like it because: Compared to a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, it isn't that bad.

Enduring contribution to gaming history: The late, great comedian Bill Hicks once commented that some of the greatest music of all time was created by people who were "real fucked up on drugs." His audiences always laughed and clapped their approval; it was funny because it was true. Were any Games Of Our Lives created under similar circumstances? A few minutes spent playing Eyes delivers an emphatic "Yes."

 

The Wil Wheaton has a thousand eyes!

Filed Under: Games

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