With the holidays rapidly approaching, the time is nigh to begin making plans for New Year’s Eve, lest you end up spending it in the company of hangers-on or tiresome relatives, the night dedicated to looking forward to the future squandered on reminders of the past. Instead, you could spend it with—you guessed it—Frank Stallone, and that way you’d also at least hear some rock ballads. The younger Stallone is currently auctioning his “entertainment services” this New Year’s at the starting bid of just $20,000, saying he “can’t decide where to close out 2013”—a problem that, should you share it, you can solve for everyone by paying Frank Stallone to play your party. And really, who can put a price on that? Not even Frank Stallone, who says that, in addition to your bid, you’ll also be paying to provide his band’s instruments, “up to” six airline tickets and hotel rooms, a professional car service, all of their meals, plus an unspecified per diem.
Note that this is for “Frank and his band’s performance services only,” netting you 75 to 90 minutes for a show and meet-and-greet. You can’t hire Frank Stallone to, say, serve your guests hors d’oeuvres, quietly recreate the cover of his self-titled debut by acting as a coat rack, or philosophically expound on the way time’s inexorable march leaves so many in the lurch, stumbling ever more desperately into an uncertain future. You can ask him to play “Far From Over.”
Unfortunately, not everyone recognizes the value of the full, $20,000-plus-expenses Frank Stallone experience: His first auction closed with zero bids, despite the auction page clearly stating that he was in Fred Claus. Fortunately, he’s relisted it, so you have a second chance. Please also note that, while the asking price may seem a bit on the high side, you simply can’t beat the $1 expedited shipping.