Offering a pleasant reminder of a time when movie theater-related "outrages" were little more than PBS hyperbole, Fred Willard has finally responded to last week's arrest for lewd conduct, after allegedly being caught lewdly disgracing the fine, assembled gentry attempting to enjoy their pornographic film. Defiantly undertaking another masturbatory act, this afternoon Willard took to Twitter to offer his own account of those events, saying, "Wait til u hear my version; much more PG." And while Willard, ever mindful of making it last, only teased a "full story" that will be coming soon, he did offer this review of the entertainment: "Lousy film, but theater would make a terrific racquetball court." In short, "Fred Willard Isn't Stimulated By Movie, Suggests Playing With Balls" is the headline we would go with, were we the New York Post. A grateful nation thanks you for the distracting dick jokes, Fred Willard.
Send your Newswire tips to firstname.lastname@example.org