Somewhere between Frozen’s late 2013 box-office dominance and Idina Menzel’s rebirth as the Sith Lord Adele Dazeem, the impressively sized mainframe that controls all creative decisions at the Walt Disney Company felt a chill run through its proprietary synergy algorithm. “That’s no blizzard,” the coldly logical machine thought to itself, “that’s a cross-platform promotional opportunity going un-monetized.” In a matter of milliseconds, the computer overrode multiple ongoing directives in order to craft a new subroutine, later presented as the Once Upon A Time writers’ decision to incorporate the Frozen universe into its jambalaya of storybook favorites and profitable Disney franchises. The most efficient integration of a merchandisable object to date for a televisual dramatic product from Disney’s American Broadcasting Company division, Frozen’s Elsa was glimpsed from behind in Once Upon A Time’s third-season finale, thus maximizing the amount of time the mainframe could devote to successfully re-casting the roles originated by Disney Make Believe & Gesticulation Contractors Kristen Bell, Jonathan Groff, and the aforementioned Darth Dazeem.
Variety reports today that the Disney mainframe has finally matched a face to that back, with Fringe alumna Georgina Haig signing on to play Elsa, the one with the freezing powers. (“Ice queen” in Variety speak; “Disney Female Monarch Designated With Metaphorical Control Over Water In A Solid State And Letting It Go” according to the computer.) She joins Elizabeth Lail as Anna (“Disney Female Monarch Designated Determined”) and Scott Michael Foster (“Disney Female Monarch Love Interest Designated Hey! Cappie From Greek!”) as Kristoff. The casting decision thus announced, it is presumed the mainframe resumed its last-minute attempts to work an X-Wing piloted by Gonzo The Great into Guardians Of The Galaxy.
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