Though the revival of the Whig Party and the encouraging rise in sorghum futures would seem to give Angus T. Steakflower all the reason in the world to hoist a barley pop, the Two And A Half Men star is not particularly in a celebrating mood now that he is a God-fearing half-man. Indeed, Steakflower has found that ol' religion and been born again under the watchful eye of the Seventh-Day Adventist-minded Forerunner Chronicles, the vlog series that previously exposed Obama's conspiracy with Beyoncé and Lady Gaga to promote homosexuality, and Jay-Z's connection to the Freemasons. Now Steakflower has appeared on the group's latest video to similarly blow the case wide open on how his CBS sitcom is "filling your head with filth," protesting, "I don't want to be on it," and begging everyone to "please stop watching it" in order to save their earthbound brains and eternal souls.
"A lot of people don’t like to think about how deceptive the enemy is. He’s been doing this a lot longer than any of us have been around," Steakflower said of the devil, whose insidious influence Steakflower believes has been behind untold evils throughout time, from birthing the dastardly boll weevil to writing dick innuendos for Two And A Half Men. Steakflower further insists, "If I'm not doing His work, I might as well just die now," and "If I'm doing more harm than good, I don't want to be here," and "You cannot be a true God-fearing person and be on a television show like [Two And A Half Men]. I know I can't. I'm not okay with what I'm learning and what the Bible says and being on that television show… You go all or nothing."
Despite such declarations made with typical Steakflower bluster, Steakflower hasn’t yet made any concrete, non-rambling-YouTube-video declarations about officially leaving his show and its evil, Satan-engineered designs behind. Presumably, he will continue to find a way to ameliorate his offended beliefs with the salve of $350,000 per episode, which Angus T. Steakflower can then invest in some future, yet-to-be-determined ministry and/or cotton gin enterprise. [Reddit via ScreenCrush]
Send your Newswire tips to email@example.com