When Russell Wolfe, the Entertainment CEO of Pure Flix, the studio that produced breakout hit Christian film God’s Not Dead, sat down with Glenn Beck’s website, The Blaze, to talk about the reception of the film, Wolfe mostly wanted to combat the idea that the premise of the film was something that would never happen. The film has been accused of fabricating its central scenario, in which a philosophy professor grows angry when one of his students refuses to immediately become an atheist on the first day of class, by several progressive and atheist bloggers. Wolfe says in his interview that such things do happen, which is why he put a long list of court cases resembling the premise of the film in the movie’s credits. However, not a single one of those cases is anything even close to what happens in the film, and though Wolfe points to two that sort of look like it if you squint, even he admits that the film is a made-up fiction and, therefore, like all fiction, a lie and a violation of the ninth commandment. Stop bearing false witness, Russell!
But that’s not what’s important here, because Wolfe has buried the lede. Specifically, he forgot to force reporter Billy Hallowell to say in the first few sentences of his article that God’s Not Dead and Pure Flix will spawn “another feature that will likely be part of a new branded God’s Not Dead movie series.” The opportunity for numerous other films in which the most important character, God, is not dead but also never does anything onscreen got us to thinking about which other popular Christian e-mail forwards (culled from the crack research department at Stuff Christian Culture Likes) should be adapted into feature films, for your enjoyment and edification. Here are three.
God’s Not Dead 2: Don’t Say Suicide: Named after the most popular song from a special edition of the somewhat popular ‘80s Christian teen talk show Fire By Nite, Don’t Say Suicide is based on the story of the guy who was going to kill himself… only to get a call from “Almighty God.” The film will obviously conclude with that moment (and an opportunity to text all of your friends with “God’s Not Dead 2 Don’t Say Suicide!!!”), but along the way, our hero will fall in with the friendly members of his local Masonic Temple… only to realize it’s a front for a group of Satan worshippers! Their obviously false beliefs will drive him closer and closer to suicide, until the film’s climactic moment. The movie stops dead in its tracks for Kevin Sorbo to come out and earnestly talk about how America has a “drug” problem, and to combat it, today’s kids just need to be “drug” to church! Additional music by Audio Adrenaline.
God’s Not Dead Again: School Prayer Rocks!: In this installment in the God’s Not Dead franchise, God reveals his ongoing not-deadness via a plucky 6th-grade girl named Jenny, who is persecuted when she prays quietly over her noontime meal and also because her greatest career goal is to be a mommy. This would somehow eventually intersect with that one e-mail about the little girl who meets Jesus while hiding behind a couch after her atheist mother shoots and kills her atheist father, and it would all get far too maudlin far too quickly. At the film’s end, Jenny leads all of her fellow students in prayer and is able to heal her evil teacher’s carcinoma by the laying on of hands. The audience is entreated to text everyone it knows with “God’s Not Dead Again School Prayer Rocks!!!!” Featuring the musical stylings of Mr. Steven Curtis Chapman.
Charlie Kaufman’s God’s Not Dead: The Untold Story Behind The Making Of God’s Not Dead: In an unexpected decision, the God’s Not Dead franchise takes on that oldest of Christian boogeymen: Hollywood liberals. To do so, Wolfe and Pure Flix team up with renowned clever kid and ouroboros fan Charlie Kaufman, who will write and direct the half of the movie that’s about the film’s director Harold Cronk (played by renowned Christian film star Nicolas Cage) attempting to get his film made without compromise, even as his twin brother Darold Cronk (also played by Cage) suggests he should just make a movie about gay Jesus, because Hollywood has been trying to get that one off the ground since the ‘80s. Kaufman intends it as a scathing satire of anyone having surety of their eternal destination, but most of the film’s audience misses this point, largely because the other half of the movie (written and directed by Cronk) is about Kirk Cameron knocking on the doors of famous people, sucker punching them, then proclaiming “God’s Not Dead!” The audience is invited to sucker punch their loved ones right after texting them “God’s Not Dead; I really didn’t understand that movie.” With music by Petra.
[h/t: The Friendly Atheist]