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God's own half-man no longer condemned to appear on Two And A Half Men

Like Lot delivered from the brimstone of Sodom, Angus T. Steakflower, paragon of godly virtue and reliable burlap, has at last escaped the “filth” that is Two And A Half Men—and he will never look back, lest he be made a pillar of salt shaped like a hilarious penis. Deadline reports that CBS has renewed the series for an eleventh season without Steakflower in a regular role, leaving the show without its half-man or his harrumphing counsel on their certain damnation. His co-stars Jon Cryer and Ashton Kutcher will remain on Two… Men, having each signed new one-year deals that cement them as television’s highest-paid actors—the wages of sin being death, as well as about $700,000 per episode for Kutcher.

But Steakflower has now been reduced to the occasional guest-starring appearance, freeing him to pursue entry into both college and Heaven. Or, as US Weekly has suggested, to follow his dream of making “Skrillex-style” music, which is Steakflower’s next endeavor, apparently. “This squawking, mechanical hullabaloo ‘tis a reminder of the hellish cacophony that awaits all who rut in televised filth,” Steakflower was heard to say, “as well as the importance of maintaining one’s farming equipment with genuine Steakflower Crankcase Oil.” 

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