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Group G, you are going to give us a heart attack

Clint Dempsey (left), Marouane Fellani (Wikimedia Commons, 2013)
Clint Dempsey (left), Marouane Fellani (Wikimedia Commons, 2013)

Here’s what’s up in the world of television for Thursday, June 26. All times are Eastern. 

World Cup: Group G, United States vs. Germany (noon, ESPN):
This group just gets more and more stressful, but after today, it should be all but done. America is playing Germany at noon, as Ghana plays Portugal, and due to the complicated mathematics behind World Cup advancement, any number of things could happen. Look, we really were impressed with ourselves for figuring out the offsides rule without ESPN explaining it to us. But goal differentials are more perplexing. Anyway, the match is kind of important, though anything could happen, except Germany will probably end up advancing, so who knows what will happen to America. Stephen Colbert did us a favor by trying to explain it all on his show:

World Cup: Group G, Portugal vs. Ghana (noon, ESPN2): The other game. See above for hyper-ventilating.

Hey Bartender (Showtime, 8:25 p.m.): A Showtime original documentary on the currently hip craft of tending bar, following two bartenders at the top of their game and touring “exclusive” bars in New York City.

Trailblazers (Logo, 9 p.m.): Logo honors trailblazers in the fields of gay and trans rights activism with a one-hour special event at the Cathedral of St. John the Divine in New York City, which is one of the first churches to offer gay marriage in New York. The special will include performers, politicians, and “trendsetters.”

Adventure Time (Cartoon Network, 7 p.m.)
Regular Show (Cartoon Network, 7:30 p.m.)
Defiance (Syfy, 8 p.m.)
Rectify (Sundance, 9 p.m.)
Comedy Bang! Bang! (IFC, 10:30 p.m.) 

Gang Related (Fox, 9 p.m.)
Undateable (NBC, 9 p.m.)
Dominion (Syfy, 9 p.m.)
Maron (IFC, 10 p.m.)
The Challenge (MTV, 10 p.m.)

Monty Python’s Flying Circus
 (1 p.m.): What would a flying circus look like, anyway? We once saw a bit on Looney Tunes about a flea circus. That we may have imagined. But there were fleas, who were married, and kept reproducing. Zack Handlen wishes we would focus on the matter at hand.

Friday Night Lights (3 p.m.): It’s the Mud Bowl! Sonia Saraiya enjoys neither mud nor bowls all that much, but a Mud Bowl is right up her alley. 

We’ve got two TV Reviews for you today: One, by Todd VanDerWerff, on The Leftovers, HBO’s new drama that starts Sunday night. And the second from Molly Eichel on Outlaw Prophet: Warren Jeffs, a Lifetime original starring Tony Goldwyn from Scandal as the titular OUTLAW PROPHET. (He has many wives.) 

And in the penultimate Tournament Of Episodes decision, Todd VanDerWerff has to choose between The Good Wife’s “Hitting The Fan” and Mad Men’s “The Strategy.” Uneasy is the head on which rests the crown.

The American Bible Challenge (GSN, 8 p.m.): Week seven. 

A-List Vacations (E!, 8 p.m.): An E! special investigates A-List vacations. [insert joke here. Failing that, just move on.]

NY Med (ABC, 10 p.m.): Season two of this real-life medical drama starts tonight. The premiere focuses on Dr. Mehmet Oz, “America’s most famous doctor,” who is in the right place at the right time to save a young actor at New York Presbyterian Hospital.

Kate Plus 8 (TLC, 10 p.m.): Either this is airing again or some second installment of it is airing. Whichever it is… INSTA-DVR.

World Cup: Group H, Korea vs. Belgium (ESPN, 4 p.m.): Oh, poor Group H, you are the least interesting, especially compared to the shenanigans of Group G. Belgium, with six points, is practically guaranteed to advance; Algeria is second, with three points. Korea and Russia are just happy to be there, with one point apiece.

World Cup: Group H, Algeria vs. Russia (ESPN2, 4 p.m.): But as Stephen Colbert so elegantly explained above, anything can happen in soccering.

So You Think You Can Dance:
 Did you know that we review this show sometimes? Because we didn’t. So You Think You Can Review So You Think You Can Dance? So You Think You’re What’s On Tonight? So You Think You Know A TV Section And Then It Turns Out You Don’t? So You Think Oliver Sava Is Trying To Get Rid of You?