While it seems impossible to imagine anyone ever winning “Best Live Performance” over GWAR—unless Band Of Horses started carrying around giant battleaxes and spraying the crowd with Sarah Palin’s intestines and no one told us—the group of intergalactic barbarian demonoids is nevertheless so concerned about losing that category in the upcoming Revolver Golden Gods Awards, it’s now promised to have sex with anyone who votes for them. In the words of front-monster Oderus Urungus:
"I pledge to have sex with anyone who votes for us. It will all be arranged thru the interweb, and on the next tour I will personally meet our supporters out behind the trash dumpsters and fuck them, suck them, whatever they want. If they don't want to do that, then I will have sex with something they own, like a dog, or a lunch-box. I will also be glad to rough-up anyone, ya know, smack ya around a bit, throw you in the garbage, hell even kick ya in the tummy....won't kill ya though...want you to be able to brag about it to your co-workers."
While guitarist Balsac The Jaws Of Death (whose moniker makes all other nickname-sporting guitarists like Slash and The Edge look like unimaginative pansies) admonishes that “Oderus having sex with the fans behind the dumpster is nothing to brag about. It happens all the time,” he does make it clear that the band would still like to trounce its competition: “But please, please, don't let Sevendust beat us.” Other rivals in the running include Rammstein, Iron Maiden, Avenged Sevenfold, and Megadeth. Somehow we don’t think Megadeth has a chance of winning if Dave Mustaine makes a similar offer….
Submit your Newswire tips here.