Gwyneth Paltrow's Only Friends Are Mirrors

Gwyneth Paltrow's Only Friends Are Mirrors

 

Good news, everyone! Gwyneth Paltrow feels sorry for us because we don't enjoy wallowing in her goopy condescension. Also, she thinks that negativity is a terrible cocaine substitute, or something: From USA Today:

Q: When actors or artists do something different, they open themselves up to criticism. How would you respond to the people who are critical of your latest endeavor?
Gwyneth Paltrow: I think part of the problem is people get a hit of energy when they are negative about something, and it is a very detrimental way for them to get that hit of energy. They do not understand why they do not have a happy life. That kind of stuff is just noise to me. I just feel sorry for them.
So if critical thought is a detrimental way to get "hits of energy," then unmitigated condescension must be the GOOPy way of getting energized, right, Gwyneth? Thanks for leading by example. After all, she could have just said something like, "I don't mind criticism. There's going to be people that like Goop.com, and people that don't. I hope people like it." But then she would have missed out on a great opportunity for a condescension high. She must have been so speedy when she left the interview. Then there's this:
I have this incredible, blessed, sometimes difficult, very lucky, very unique life, and I've gotten to travel all over the place and to work and live in different cities. … I go on tour with my husband and go to cities I would never necessarily go to. So I started accruing all of this information. I am the person my friends call when they want to know: "I am redoing this bathroom, and I want a sink that looks midcentury, but a contemporary version of a midcentury. Where should I go?"
Two words: Pottery Barn. Sure, Gwyneth. All your "friends" are calling you all the time with questions like, "I want a sink that looks midcentury, but a contemporary version of a midcentury," or "I want a new chandelier for the foyer that's ostentatious, but, like, ostentatious in the Moroccan-casino-in-1953 sense," or "Where can I find a reputable organic plastic surgeon?" If that's true, then it's true for exactly two people: Gwyneth Paltrow and her equally smug, inquisitive friend. Just start a very small circulation newsletter called FABA (for assholes, by assholes), and leave everyone else out of it. Why have a website at all? Oh right, the condescension high. Something tells me that no one has ever asked Paltrow anything like that question, except maybe herself. If you were to visit her while she's working on her GOOP newsletters in her home office, high atop a giant hill made of pure, dense, cottony smugness, you'd probably find her sitting on the floor in front of a giant mirror and holding a child's play telephone to her ear, saying, "Oh, I'm so glad you called! Of course I know where you could get a antique doorstop in the pre-Warhol pop art style."

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