A.V. Club Most Read

News Newswire Great Job, Internet!
TV Club All Reviews What's On Tonight
Video All Video A.V. Undercover A.V. Cocktail Club Film Club
Reviews All Reviews Film TV Music Books
Features All Features TV Club Wiki Wormhole
Sections Film Tv Music Food Comedy Books Games Aux
Our Company About Us Contact Advertise Privacy Policy Careers RSS
Onion Inc. Sites The Onion The A.V. Club ClickHole Onion Studios
Get The Latest

Happy Fourth of July! We're exercising our constitutionally guaranteed right to not show up to work

Our nation was founded on a set of principles we all hold dear, chief among them the notion that we can do whatever we want, and others can’t say jack shit about it (—Patrick Henry). And as the day commemorating that founding arrives—and as we are nothing if not filled with patriotic fervor and red-white-and-blue liquors, depending on the hour—we will now exercise our constitutionally protected right to just knock off work for a couple days, to run about indulging and congratulating ourselves. Because this is America, and this is what our Founding Fathers intended when they envisioned it, lo those many years ago: Men boldly declaring their independence, by rapping their fingers against a strange, glowing witches' box. 

Meanwhile, you're free to explore the rest of the site on your own, because this, too, is America. (Internet America.) You'll find we've reviewed a bunch of new movies, plus there's a new Watch This and Emmy This, all so that you can freely accept our instructions on the things you should do and think—just like in the very society whose birthday we're celebrating! And tomorrow we'll have even more new things.

But most likely no news, because America. See you Monday. 

Submit your Newswire tips here.