In case you haven't heard, auteur Michael Bay is going to be rebooting Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles except they will no longer be either teenage or mutants. Rather, they will be alien ninja turtles intent on sodomizing your childhood. Not that it matters because, as Bay should know by now, you can never make everyone happy all of the time anyway so just give them a lot of shit blowing up and they'll be fine. Shiny things! These new alien mutant turtles will also be edgy which now means that rapping is out and metal is totes in, right? So here's a metal take on the old Turtles theme song which sounds tailor-made for jump-cuts every three seconds punctuated by explosions out of every corner of the screen. You're welcome, auteur Michael Bay.