A.V. Club Most Read

News Newswire Great Job, Internet!
TV Club All Reviews What's On Tonight
Video All Video A.V. Undercover A.V. Cocktail Club Film Club
Reviews All Reviews Film TV Music Books
Features All Features Wiki Wormhole AVQ&A
Sections Film Tv Music Food Comedy Books Games Aux
Our Company About Us Contact Advertise Privacy Policy Careers RSS
Onion Inc. Sites The Onion The A.V. Club ClickHole Onion Studios

Here is 50 Cent's four-step guide to stop masturbating

Masturbation: Despite powering entire industries and its endless comic potential, it is nevertheless "a sin you stop right now fool!!!" as 50 Cent recently said, with the rapper who has indulged his every whim from dramatic acting to dabbling in sketch comedy because he likes to see his name reminding us that self-love is reprehensible. But Curtis "Common 50 Sense" Jackson—newly abstinent in the wake of dating Chelsea Handler, in a confluence of events that is surely not related—offers more than just his own disapproval and the equally shaming "lol God is watching you." He also has a scientific, step-by-step process for learning to stop touching yourself: "Step 1. To avoid the urge to masturbate stop going to porn sites. Step 2. Make a conscious decision not to turn your head after people walk by you. Step 3. Do not go to strip clubs. Step 4. Do not look at lust filled magazines." Indeed, follow these simple rules for living and pretty soon you'll be freed of the onus of onanism, instead of constantly whipping it out in the streets when people walk by you. Then you can focus on more spiritual, socially acceptable behavior, like rapping about blowjobs. [via Gawker]

Submit your Great Job, Internet tips here.