Late last week, Marvel released the above first official look at Guardians Of The Galaxy, its next aspiring superhero blockbuster, and a film in which a Bradley Cooper-voiced talking space raccoon renders all other discussion beside the point. For example, take a look at this official synopsis the studio released, which we have edited to more accurately reflect how we’ll be seeing the film when it debuts in August:
An action-packed epic space adventure [involving a talking raccoon], Marvel’s Guardians Of The Galaxy expands the Marvel Cinematic Universe into the cosmos [a.k.a. God’s dumpster, scavenged regularly by raccoons], where brash adventurer Peter Quill [Chris Pratt, who's dealt with raccoons before] finds himself the object of an unrelenting bounty hunt after stealing a mysterious orb coveted by Ronan [which sounds a little like “raccoon,” but isn’t], a powerful villain with ambitions that threaten the universe [where all the space raccoons live].
To evade the ever-persistent Ronan, Quill is forced into an uneasy truce with a quartet of disparate misfits [that includes a gun-toting raccoon]— Rocket, a gun-toting raccoon [see?], Groot, a tree-like humanoid [of the sort regularly seen next to gun-toting raccoons, prompting reactions like, “Hey, check out the gun-toting raccoon next to that boring tree guy”], the deadly and enigmatic Gamora [who is not a gun-toting raccoon, therefore “enigmatic” is pretty relative] and the revenge-driven Drax the Destroyer [of screen time that could otherwise be devoted to gun-toting space raccoons]. But when Peter discovers the true power of the orb and the menace it poses to the cosmos [possibly involving putting tighter lids on the cosmic trashcans that space raccoons need to survive], he must do his best to rally his ragtag rivals for a last, desperate stand — with the galaxy’s fate in the balance [and a smart-mouthed raccoon in people clothes].”
No word on whether this promo image is an intentional homage to The Usual Suspects, though there is consensus that we’d all like to hear a raccoon say, “Hand me the keys, you cocksucker.”
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