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Hey kids, how about you quit drinking hand sanitizer?

Photo: Andia/UIG via Getty Images
Photo: Andia/UIG via Getty Images

As part of their continual quest to get drunk/high/buzzed/stoned off of common household goods, kids have been increasingly turning to hand sanitizers, according to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention. This is none too surprising, given the ubiquity of the sanitizing gel and the fact that Listerine now comes in non-alcoholic format.

The report found that between 2011 and 2014, there were 70,669 reported cases of children under 12 ingesting hand sanitizer—and these were just reported cases to poison control centers. Most of these cases, about 91 percent, involved children under five, who likely smelled a nice-smelling gel and decided to eat it. But among kids 6 to 12, the CDC found they were more likely to have used alcoholic sanitizer than non-alcoholic. Either way, it’s bad news: Reported symptoms included pinkeye and ocular irritation (they were rubbing the gel in their eyes), vomiting, and in five cases, falling into a coma.

While we’re in no way endorsing this, we’d be remiss if we didn’t offer some life advice: Kids, you’re doing it wrong. Hand sanitizers taste like a hospital room. The rye whiskey on pappy’s top cabinet shelf, on the other hand—that right there is the good shit. When you’re of legal age, of course.

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