Ending nearly 40 years of torment for Christians who only listen to music officially sanctioned by the Pope, the Vatican has decided that liking The Beatles is apparently no longer a one-way ticket to Hell—specifically the circle where you’re forced to listen to George Harrison dick around on sitar all day while John Lennon plays his homemade tape collages and talks to you about primal scream therapy. As most of you are no doubt subscribers, you already know that over the weekend, the Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano paid tribute to the hip new band of Liverpudlians with two articles and even a front-page cartoon copying the famous cover of Abbey Road, which no doubt set off hours of excited speculation as Vatican priests studied it for clues about Paul McCartney’s death. This peace accord comes after several decades of disliking the band based on various reasons that, surprisingly, had nothing to do with “Octopus’s Garden,” but rather its members’ well-documented spiral into an overwhelming addiction to living like an average 1960s band: "It's true, they took drugs; swept up by their success, they lived dissolute and uninhibited lives," the paper mused with a shrug. “"But, listening to their songs, all of this seems distant and meaningless." Also apparently meaningless: John Lennon’s offhand comment in 1966 that The Beatles were “more famous than Jesus,” which just seems silly now, considering Jesus easily bested The Beatles with his 1972 double-live album, …On The Mount. So yay, the Vatican forgives The Beatles, and with that finally out of the way, maybe now they can get around to dealing with that whole “pedophile” thing.
Send your Newswire tips to firstname.lastname@example.org