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How To Subtly Keep The Christ in Christmas

Behold, the CHRIST-mas tree.

This Christmas, get a tree that makes it easier to visualize Jesus suffering an agonizing death—over and over again—right there in your house! Get a CHRIST-mas Tree—the Christmas tree with a massive torture device embedded awkwardly in its center. You'll wonder how you ever celebrated Christmas without feeling like your Christmas tree is constantly screaming in pain from the corner of your family room!

(pic via Buzzfeed, and here)

It's called a "CHRIST-mas Tree" because "CHRIST!" is exactly what people will exclaim as soon as they see this monstrosity in your house. 

Still, as long as we're aggressively Christianizing symbols that are already Christian, why not top your CHRIST-mas Tree with a crown of thorns:

Quick CHRIST-mas tip: To make your own "Savior's Blood" ornaments, simply slaughter a chicken, collect its blood in a shallow dish, and dip your existing ornaments in the blood. You can then roll them in glitter (I think we can all agree that Jesus would have loved glitter!), or leave them bloody, for a tasteful, understated pain-of-the-savior look. Allow to dry. Hang with pride.