Here’s what’s up in the world of TV for Monday, March 19. All times are Eastern.
2 Broke Girls (CBS, 8:30 p.m.): It’s time for the weekly, “Let’s come up with some bullshit reason to make one of the many weak, stupid programs that airs on Monday the top pick, because God knows most of you won’t watch them voluntarily.” Tonight’s reasoning: 2 Broke Girls is back! That comedy is popular! And when CBS inevitably moves it to Thursdays at 9 p.m., it will finally put a stake through the heart of The Office. Now, we prefer The Office to this, but it’s also a show that’s probably seen better days, while this is a show that… oh, we just can’t do it. 2 Broke Girls is back tonight. Watch it because this might be the week Todd VanDerWerff loses it.
House (Fox, 8 p.m.): Because this is one of those things that happens all of the time, a blind man gets struck with a strange illness just before he’s going to propose to his girlfriend. Zack Handlen has always imagined if he were going to propose, it would involve 77 shiny silver sousaphones. Catch of the year!
How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8 p.m.): Okay, this show is back, too, and we don’t exactly hate it. It’s a shadow of its former self, sure, but at least it’s pleasant enough and rattles on well enough for us to occasionally be impressed by some of the stuff it does. Donna Bowman tips her hat to those crazy kids.
The Voice (NBC, 8 p.m.): More battle rounds have arrived, and in honor of the impending debut of the movie version of The Hunger Games, we’re wondering if NBC has the guts to make these actual battle rounds. Emily Yoshida can pretty much guarantee this show’s ratings would double if that happened.
Alcatraz (Fox, 9 p.m.): Tonight’s episode features a “musically inclined serial killer,” and we hope that his rampage of crime involves as many creative kills with musical instruments as he can think of. A duda here, a bass harmonica there, and 77 shiny silver sousaphones for one Will Harris! Review that, Harris!
Being Human (Syfy, 9 p.m.): The Reaper imprisons Sally in a dream world, and all we can think about is how awful The Sandman would be if Syfy got its mitts on it. Can you imagine the Canadian guy they’d dig up to play Morpheus? Phil Dyess-Nugent is cringing already, but he’s also ready to play The Corinthian.
RuPaul’s Drag Race (Logo, 9 p.m.): Because she’s apparently a huge fan of Rubicon, RuPaul is hooking the contestants up to a lie detector this week, then she’s going to ask them if they would “ki-ki” with any of the other contestants. If you don’t know what “ki-ki” means, you can probably ask Oliver Sava.
Castle (ABC, 10 p.m.): There’s a new season of Dancing With The Stars debuting tonight, and this episode takes place on the set of a reality show and is entitled, “A Dance With Death,” which means… sigh… Phil Dyess-Nugent is almost certainly going to have to watch Castle and Beckett ballroom dance.
Smash (NBC, 10 p.m.): Time for the workshop on this one, and we’re finally going to learn just how this whole Marilyn: The Musical thing will come together. And while it seems everybody will have the problems with Ivy we knew they would, Noel Murray just hopes everybody picks a better title.
TV CLUB CLASSIC
Scrubs (11 a.m.): One of the two episodes Myles McNutt is watching today is entitled “My Monster,” and we’re sort of disappointed it’s not called “My Pet Monster,” because that little guy was so awesome. And he was our best friend all through first grade, when all the kids made fun of us! Monsty!
Batman: The Animated Series (1 p.m.): This week’s episode features The Terrible Trio, and it’s inspired Oliver Sava to start up his own terrible trio. Only, instead of taking animal guises, he figures they should take terrifying journalism guises. Copy editor! Freelance photographer! Local government reporter!
WHAT ELSE IS ON
Dancing With The Stars (ABC, 8 p.m.): As mentioned, it’s time for yet another season of this show, and this time around, the stars are even more D-list than usual, perhaps because nobody wants to go up against the surging ratings for The Voice. Can an all A.V. Club season of this show be far behind?!
Styled By June (VH1, 9:30 p.m.): Have you been waiting for a reality show about a celebrity stylist?! Of course you have, so here’s VH1 to make your dreams come true! Also, while we’re at it, does anybody know why we just put interrobangs in the last two capsules? Aside from the fact we’re terrible writers?
Hawaii Five-0 (CBS, 10 p.m.): So Ed Asner was in an original episode of the show—probably because, hey, who doesn’t like to go to Hawaii?—and now he’s starring as the same character in this episode of the show, complete with flashbacks to the old episode. Just like Lost! You got all of that?
Rob Dyrdek’s Fantasy Factory (MTV, 10 p.m.): Okay, so, we have no idea what this show is, but it turns out that it’s been running for five seasons already. Is this a modern day, reality show remake of Fantasy Island? Is Rob Dyrdek finally the one who will make our dreams of becoming a Muppet come true?!
This Sporting Life (TCM, 8 p.m.): There are a lot of terrible movies on tonight, but there’s also this sublime one, directed by Lindsay Anderson, part of a great string of British films from the ‘60s. Richard Harris stars as a pro rugby player, and the combination of Anderson and Harris should be all you need.
The Ugly Truth (Lifetime, 8 p.m.): As if to prove our point about how many terrible movies are on tonight, Lifetime is airing one of the worst romantic comedies in recent memory—and that’s saying something. Katherine Heigl and Gerard Butler are two assholes who most certainly don’t deserve love.
College Baseball: Virginia at Florida State (ESPNU, 7 p.m.): We know as little about college baseball as we know about anything else, but, goodness, the fact that it’s popping up on TV like this can only mean one thing: The days are getting longer! Baseball season is at hand! We have something to live for!
IN CASE YOU MISSED IT
The Walking Dead (Sunday): We’re going to guess from how many of you have read Zack Handlen’s review of the second season finale of this show already that very few of you actually “missed” this one. But, hey, if you somehow did, here’s a chance to talk about the finale’s twists and turns.