2069: A Sex Odyssey

Director: Georg Tressler
Tagline: “A spaced out comedy with the most exciting climaxes!”
Plot: “This flight has one function. What we want here are male samplings.” So speaks the commander of a scout team from Venus, sent to our planet to harvest semen from our menfolk. Venusian women are appalled that Earth men waste so much of their seed on self-pleasure, so they’re determined to herd human males into their spaceship, “rub their funnybones,” and extract a supply of sperm that will last the Venusian women 10,000 years.

Lucky for our heroines, when they land in a small Bavarian village, they’re mistaken for the French women’s Olympic ski team, which the town’s mayor has heard is training in the area at a secret location. So it’s no big thing for the commander to lure a whole group of guys into her elaborate semen-extraction unit, where they’re told to lie back until the machine collects one gallon from each of them. (Quoth the mayor: “You French are much too complicated.”)

As for the rest of the team, they’re tasked to fan out, steal some clothes—ranging from a police uniform to a nun’s habit—and do their collecting “in the field,” as it were. One Venusian encounters a traveling lingerie salesman, who invites her into his car. (“It is better you come to the mothercraft,” the Venusian says, but the salesman demurs, saying, “No, I’m not crazy about mountain inns with crazy names.”) When the salesman leans the Venusian back, she initially cries out, “Please, stop this program,” but eventually she starts to enjoy herself, making moaning noises that the computer back at the ship misinterprets. “Are you suffering?” it asks. “Proceed to program 69. Come in? Come in! Come!”

While that’s going on, another Venusian is captured by a farmhand whose clothes she swiped, and he insists that he’s going to “teach her a lesson,” via the other Socratic method. But when he unzips her clothes, her Venusian body temperature drops and she literally freezes. The farmhand drives her to a nearby sauna to warm up; there, she encounters a doctor enjoying the steam. When the doctor sees the Venusian’s nude, shivering figure, he responds as any red-blooded male would. She looks down at his crotch and asks, “What’s happening to that thing?” Then she says, “If you’re a doctor, give me an injection!”

Eventually, all the Venusians strip naked, infiltrate a nearby beer hall, and start a riot… [Clips NSFW, but you could have guessed that. —ed.]

…after which they decide to stay on Earth and bear children the human way. Kind of sweet, really.

Key scenes: The Venusians get their ideas about Earth men from watching Westerns on TV, which leads them to believe that they’ll be violent creatures. When they see a cowboy kissing his lady, one Venusian exclaims, “This man is sucking! Is he going to eat her?”

Meanwhile, back on Earth, the robustly figured mayor’s wife (who never misses an opportunity to drop her top and prove that all those skinny young girls in town have nothing on her) is entertaining the traveling lingerie salesman when she hears a weird, low hum on the soundtrack and her mood takes an amorous turn.

Later, after the Venusians steal the humans’ clothes, they take off on a wacky ski chase. Because what Euro sex comedy doesn’t need a wacky ski chase?

And after one of the Venusians learns about what we Earthlings call “getting it on,” she follows her commander’s orders to give a demonstration. With sexy results, naturally.

Can easily be distinguished by: The not-so-clever sexual innuendo. Lines like “You were chosen for this mission because you’re a cunning linguist” and “I’d like the circus to go on, but I can’t get the tentpole up” sound even staler when translated from German to English and spoken in a rapid monotone by dubbers. That said, the double-entendres and outright exploitation reaches an undeniable peak when a local takes one of the Venusians’ interest in Earth music as an opportunity to show her his “special flute.” (Later, back at the mothercraft, her comrades ask if she collected a sample, and she relies, “Yes, but I was so surprised, I swallowed it.”)

Sign that it was made in 1974: Dig the soft-focus music in this slow-motion scene of the Venusians adjusting to Earth’s gravity and temperature:

Timeless message: “The Earth is filled with wild animals. And what do we call these animals? Men.”

Memorable quotes: When the men hooked up to the sperm-extraction machine suggest a much nicer way that the commander could get to their spunk, she cocks her head quizzically and asks, “What is this ‘lay’?”

Available on DVD from Secret Key.

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