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Ice-T to appear in Clinton Road, a horror movie that’s not about emails

(Photo: Getty Images, Matthew Eisman)
(Photo: Getty Images, Matthew Eisman)

According to Variety, Ice-T has signed on to appear in Clinton Road, a horror movie that—to the best our knowledge—is not about the terrible things that can happen when you have secret emails or whatever. At the risk of making all Republican senators lose interest in the film, Clinton Road is actually about a “notorious” road that cuts through New Jersey’s Pine Barrens and is the basis for a lot of spooky urban legends and paranormal sightings. Naturally, the movie centers around a group of teenagers who decide to investigate the road, only to find themselves “scrambling against a sadistic satanic cult.”

Ice-T is a little too old to play a teenager and lacks the wings to needed to play the Jersey Devil, so he’ll be filling in the classic horror archetype of the weird local guy who knows about all of the scary things and futilely warns people not to have sex at Camp Crystal Lake, or hang out around the old Myers house, or—in this case—drive down Clinton Road. Specifically, he’ll be a club owner with his own previous experiences on New Jersey’s haunted streets.

Also, while we already made a joke about emails, it does seem very possible that this is all a rather literal political metaphor about stopping young people from voting for Democrats. Let’s break it down: Curious teenagers decide to go down the Clinton Road and see if it lines up with their own beliefs, and though a wise old man who also went down the Clinton Road many years ago tells them not to do it, they ignore him and get attacked by satanists. Maybe the survivors, if there are any, will then return from their traumatic experience with a new distrust for people who are different and a weird dislike for social services, and from then on they’ll only drive down the Grand Old Parkway.

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